Saturday, January 14, 2017

What you mean to me

To me, you will always be who you are
Why should you be anything else?
Why should you be something more,
Or something less for that matter?
Why should it matter that you would never be mine?
Why should it matter that perhaps, someday you would?

Isn't possession nine tenth the law?
You possess the key to read my emotions..
But, you own me not.
As I own you not.
You are me and I am you,
but we are both ourselves 
and can never be anything else. 

You are all that I sought,
but you are nothing I wanted.
You are all that I need,
but you are everything that will be denied.

I still crave and I still love.
For what you are,
can never change in my head,
despite what you might become.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

No place like home

There is no place like home..
Even if no place is home

Where do I feel the most at home? It is not a single place usually. It is anywhere where I can be who I want to be as of that moment. That is the final conclusion I have come to about this word. 

As another year draws to a close and I introspect, I come to conclude that where I feel at home has changed considerably the last year. I abandoned the house we built with so much love and honestly, I feel nothing much now. It was just another shell, that hosted the soul that was my home. I feel at home in airports, in places I have never been to before, when I am with those I love, when I am alone, when I am with strangers. I feel more at home with myself as I have actually gotten to know myself better, accept my flaw and look for my improvements. 

Thank you 2016 - for reminding me there is no place like home, and home is where I am at home. :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Time of the year

It is that time of the year again, when I am not sure if I should be happy or sad. Happy that i had a great vacation or sad that it is over. Over too soon. 

I wonder, why is it that we seek vacations out so much? If we are really happy with the lives we have set for ourselves, why do we need to seek a break? Perhaps, the breaks are over rated. Perhaps, we need to find joy everyday instead of looking for those small cracks or windows of opportunity, that will take us closer to a Facebook wall full of likes. I read somewhere that when somebody likes your picture, the high you get is similar to what you would when you smoke. Though I love the attention, i am scared of flaunting too much of my personal life online. So I post maybe once a month and comment once or twice a week on things. 

Every time I come back from vacation, I find new things I want to do. Maybe, that is why we need vacations. To give us time to introspect, because nothing else can give us that time. I have been so caught up with my life that i have not been writing my diary or updating my blog in quite sometime. Busy living it so i don't have to document the life. From today, I am getting back to doing that. Take a few minutes out to rehash and relive. Not the everyday nuisances, but the things which stood out. I believe, i don't need to sit in an exotic locale for something to stand out. Hopefully, that belief will sustain me till the next vacation and also help me find out if there is something else out there I ought to be doing. 

I love traveling and I love my job. I just wish I can sit in exotic locations and work. That way I get to do the two things I love together. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Google photo magic

I had taken just a handful of pictures with my phone camera in Phnom Penh. Google made such a beautiful video out of it. Even me, the non techie who doesn't want to save my data in the cloud is now ready to, if that's what I get in return. Sigh. Then, it goes ahead and gives me this beautiful edit to a picture I'd taken. Long live technology!

Another old poem

The walls close around me as I stand on an open ground..
The colors blur and everything turns to various shades of red and grey
One for the loss and the other for the invested minutes dead,
Both irreconcilable and both unredeemable
The present fights a losing battle with the past 
Soon zombies, with squelching eyeballs and rotting flesh cloud my vision,
Digging themselves out of shallow, half baked graves..

I supress the vomit no more and let it flood right out, 
Only to watch my guts wash away the miseries of today..
The never ending deluge from deep within flows, and there's born a new river of filth.
The streets empty, swept away, the crownless flies crowd to celebrate the birth,
Of a brand new kingdom!
All that was buried, never truly dead, pouring out, to find a new home,
Killing an unfortunate, unknowing host..

Monday, December 12, 2016

Farewell

This was probably, my best kind of goodbye
Not one where we could not let go,
Not one where we had but no choice,
Not one where conversations became like chewing a tasteless bubble gum, 
For the mouth was bored and there was no space to spit..

This was probably, my best kind of goodbye,
As we competed not, for the best last word,
We wept no tears for all that could have been..
and we laughed not at memories
We never did have a chance, 
Eyes wide open, I pen a goodbye

This was probably, my best kind of goodbye
Farewell, my love,
Perhaps you were a passing fancy,
Perhaps you were all that would ever matter,
Perhaps you were just another choice..
Whatever it was, farewell..

Eternity in my hand

Sometimes you hold a thing in your hand. You just dont realize what you are holding in the first place. It is something quite desirable to someone else, but something you really do not value. Probably because you never sought it, it just came your way. 

You hang on to it initially as it was already in your hands. It did seem to stay there and you had no reason to not hold on. It was not uncomfortable much, it was quite easy to just settle. 

Then, something grates. You know something is not right, but you dont know what is wrong. You are effectively left holding on to something, because you have to hold on, not because you want to, without realizing you never needed to do it in the first place. It just belonged somewhere else. 

The it can be anything. A job, a relationship, a book or any habit. How difficult is it to actually let go? Quite very difficult. Some habits are quite hard to break.