Friday, November 28, 2008

A dedication

I am saddened by the terror attacks. I dont know what those people want. Neither can i understand their need to terrorise people to show case their power. I dedicate this post to the victims and their families. Mumbai would recover in a few days and life would be back to normal (partially if not completely). But those affected have their personal demons to face. I wish this stupidity would stop. I wish the world becomes a more peaceful place to live in. I hope no cop had a hand in the smuggling of so many weapons. I feel sorry for the misguided young men who threw away their life and were blind enough to engage in such violence. I sincerely wish that the day is not far off when people realise terror is not the solution to everything.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

The lost seeker 2

Despite his alter ego's assurance, he was not confident. Was the vision he saw just a mirage? A beautiful one no doubt.. But still just a mirage? He did not know what to do. The comforts he had at hand just overwhelmed him. They gave him all that he could possibly ever want. Rather all that he had possibly ever wanted. Did the problem arise because of his ideas and dreams evolving over time? Will he ever reach a state when he had all that he wanted? Is the object he sought now, the one thing that he had been created to attain? He wished with all his heart that it was. But the cynic in him told him that it was not to be. "You will seek again. After you attain this.. You will seek something else with all your heart. Will this loss be worth the trouble then? what if you already have what you seek? Unidentifiable but existing in the cluttered rooms.. Did you sift through all that you have?It is not too late. Turn back" The voices in his head kept droning.. " You did.." His alter ego whispered. "Worry not my dear.. I never knew of a person who was more careful."

He was scared.. The image in front of him was too tempting. But the consequences scared him out of his wits.. He could imagine himself moving headlong, to quench his thirst, in the middle of a desert. Right into a non existent oasis. His hands scooping sand and gulping it down. he could not stop it. The sand burnt his already parched throat. It brought him closer to his death. Was the elixir he sought a poison more potent than any he had come across? What if the mirage took him to a quagmire that sucked him down? The ropes he had discarded a few minutes back would not be there to save him. He knew by this one single choice, he was cutting out his roots completely. He knew that no matter how much he tried, he could never come back to them unless they sought him out. It was funny. Thinking of himself as a tree.. His house and all things familiar as roots. He burst out laughing.. Those around him just stared at the madman walking alone in the roads. One or two were curious. The others too busy to give him a second glance.

Roots.. Is that all that i seek? More comforts than i can ever possibly use? Or is it just this one image that is a slow poison.. The one that would kill all my other dreams.. The one that would out shine them anyday. The one dream that to him seemed brighter than the sun. The one dream in front of which the sun was just another yellow ball. He remembered the yellow ball with a big smile. The one that gave you the false reassurance that everything was alright. The one that you could throw at your will. He had once played this game. Shooting down the ball. The relief. Every shot he felt he was hurting an unseen enemy. One who seemed to make him feel that everything was good. An enemy who kept telling him the world was a wonderful place though it definitely was not. The enemy who made him complacent about his achievements. Was he a friend afterall?Should he embrace the smiley ball? Should he? He knew not.. He just moved forth.

Where were you?

Where were you
When i stood watching
dreams crumble down
Where were you
On all those lonely nights
spent--attempting to sleep
on a wet pillow?
Where were you?

Where were you
all those days
when the end seemed near
Where were you
in all those moments
of real deep fear..
Where were you?

Where were you
when every day
seemed too long?
when all i sought
was just the end?
An end that eluded me..
Why dint you show up?

Where was the comfort
i so badly longed for?
Where was the affection
i ceaselessly sought?
Where were you
when the brightest days
seemed darker
than the moonless nights?

Now i sit
On a pedestal
I see you far away
Seeking me
I just wonder..
Should i come down?
Should i walk towards you
with arms outstretched
with a welcome smile?
A smile dying
in the lips...

Lie i cannot
when i face you
Lie you cannot bear
The falsehood
completely non existent
between us
in a non existent relationship
Should i arm myself
with this never failing shield?
Will I be successful?

Oh my dear stranger
Do I have the heart to tell you
That which you sought
exists no longer?
Washed away by the sands of time
Leaving behind
a new polished statue
One created
just to adorn
the dead gardens..
Lifeless palaces..

My dear Aslan..
Can your breath
give me life?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The lost seeker 1

He was just a normal human being to the rest of the world. But in his mind, he donned the role of the seeker. The one relentlessly pursuing the object of his desire. He had had a glimpse of it only once. A momentary glimpse that tore apart his entire universe. Old dreams, old ideas once lauded brilliant seemed so meaningless to him now. Was he a fool to go ahead searching for an object he had seen but once? He did not even know if it existed. He stood on the threshold of his building. The comforts inside called out to him. "Why do you worry so? WE are there to take care of you. Why do you seek the non-existent? The object is unattainable.It is just a temporary interest." They told him time and again. He looked around. Everything there was a dream pursued. A goal attained effortlessly.

He stood naked, unarmed to battle the demons outside. The vision kept him going. Was he a saint who sought something new? Or was he just another madman- a completely dissatisfied one? He wanted to think not. He was he. He stepped forth into the cold,unhappy world, unaided..

He wished, hoped for something dramatic. He wished people would stand around and mock at him. He was not sure if that would slacken his resolve or convince him of the need to move further. But, they dint care. They were oblivious to his existence.His dreams, his desires- they were simply those of a man. One in the billion that adorned this world. One less or one more, it dint matter. He realised that it was him and only him that could do anything about them. He wanted not to inspire millions. He sought happiness. A joy so complete and pure that it would be a shame to feel it, while the many around dint even know of its existence. He had decided to forsake all that was his.He was convinced that it was all an illusion. He pondered for a minute. Was it now? All that he had worked yeards to build..All that he'd spent sleepless nights over. He felt he was cold blooded to call it an illusion. "No.. call it bravery" His alter ego whispered.



If wishes were horses
How healthy mine would be..
Oh! So lonely too
awaiting a non-existent herd
awaiting the lone rider
who'd give him his due

An existence completely
sans worry
A life so full of joy
so full of new ideas
each beckoning me
to pursue it
Each dream to be fulfilled

Why did I dream so?
Why did the notion of you
come into my dreams?
Like a blind man
blessed with a vision
for a minute
Just a min
A glorious one..
the vision
A curse more horrible
more cruel,
I know not

The hard base
on which huge castles
happily rested
easily disappeared
dissolved in waves of tears
crashing down on my reality

Appreciated wonders lie
gathering dust
in a corner
Moments of infinite joy
seem so worthless now
I stand surrounded
by the celebrating blind
and the overjoyed
with a sight to behold

Search i do
for those like me
Blind men
tending to healthy horses
Know them i do not
Seek them I do
with the hope
that I'll find
the light of my life

To forget I want not
this misery
better than eternal,ignorant joy
This pain keeps me going
I just want
a minute more..

For just this minute,
I am ready
to trade my eternity..
Is it Utopia I seek?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Of reality and illusions

Why was she eternally unhappy?
An unhappiness borne of discontent
What is it she wanted in life?
Why did she discard the treasures so?

Her life she felt was an illusion true..
Her dreams in search of
the ever eluding reality..
Her last refuge
Her only escape
from the illusions that chained her down

She ran faster
As though speed
could help her reach
a destination non existent
As though speed
could save her
from herself..

Exhausted she sat
and looked around..
Was this an illusion?
Or was it the reality
she so badly wanted to escape..
An question
she wanted to ponder not..
The answer somehow
too scary...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The clash

He had a wierd notion. Not wierd.. What would happen to the world if everyone started calling non conventional ideas that were by products of their own mind wierd? We should give mankind that luxury.. The luxury to believe in itself he thought.All his thoughts somehow got mankind into the picture always. Is it because i lack confidence in myself as an individual that i have to justify my actions involving the others around? Or is it because i know that i am a unique individual with dreams and desires and i acknowledge the existence of the same in those around me? He found the latter thought more consoling. It somehow seemed nicer to him. It made him feel he was a better person. "Much against my better judgement" His alter ego seemed to say. Nicer, better. why did these words have to figure out so often in his life? Why did they have to be there to give him a false sense of security? What was he comparing himself constantly against? What unattainable goals was he setting for himself? "Were they really unattainable? Dint you set them too high so that you could say you had dont better than last time? Dint you know you would fail even before the thought was formed in your mind?" He wondered how to silence her..

Making his alter ego feminine was one thing he did long ago. "A person from my own gender would understand me better.. A stranger from a whole new world.." The constant voice that had been nagging him since his conception. He felt more comfortable calling it that of a stranger. "My own would not belittle me so.. " "My own.." Did that term have any meaning? Whenever he said it he felt like he was referring to "my computer""My book." Inanimate objects he held dearer than the live ones residing so far away. Am I so lost because of the distance? Was i lost long before the distance came into play? He knew not. Rather he chose not to answer. The answers created more questions.. Each scarier than the one before. Each asking him to probe deeper into his self.. "Demons she sends.. to confuse me. She hates my existence." He screamed to the walls around him. Dint he know himself well? Dint he know what he was? Wasnt he very successful and oh! So rich? Rich beyond her wildest dreams?

She refused to acknowledge it. Time and again.. Asking him that "Are you?" His numerous conquests seemed not to satisfy her. "Conquer thyself first.. Then set forth to rule the world." Empty philosophical words that served no end. Conquering his self.Spending precious hours contemplating his faults, his misgivings and trying to change them rather than go aheaed and do something about the world. It seemed so useless. It still looked so.. He had done everything he wanted.. He still felt no peace.. Was she right? Was she the only one who was? He screamed silently staring at the stranger in the mirror he knew nothing about.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Shall i call it WILL?? Or is it madness?

He walks with a smile
adorning his face
A smile so radiant
that the world stops
to ask him why?
What makes you so happy?!

"Oh dear traveller"
The sweet maiden calls out to him
" What is the joy you carry?
What makes you so ecsatic?"
His reply is just another smile..

His master seeks him out..
"Here is the burden i want you to carry"
He says handing him a sack
real enormous..
"Let me see you smile now"
Effortlessly lifting it..
He moves forth..
With the smile..
Still on his face..

The road beckons him
filled with cruel stones
intent on scarring him..
"Make his smile disappear "
They seem to be telling each other..
He walks forth
Head held high..
Oh! What a smile he has..
It lightens up his deep eyes..
He walks ceaselessly..

Destination in sight..
Destination attained..

He walks back empty handed..

"What is it that makes you happy??"
" Do you have all that you seek?
All that you ever sought?"
For just a moment they see it..
The sorrow..
A sorrow so intense
Cutting them midway
Leaving them staring open mouthed..

"My friends.. I seek..
The ideal..
The unattainable ideal...
My soul clings to my body
with just hope..
Hope of attaining it some day..
Hope that helps me seek
An everlasting search..
Ah the joy!"
He walks away
Leaving behind
a few questions..
a lot of sneers
"madman.." they call him
and a very few understanding looks..

Saturday, November 08, 2008


The world is so full of them. HYPOCRITES of the best order who say one thing and mean the other. I am so irritated with the lot. How is it so easy for everyone to say what they dont mean? Is it all that easy to lie? Are they really happy doing things they dont want to do in an effort to make the rest of the world happy?? Having the tag of matyrs attached to their name in their bloated up heads...Does it make them content? Or is that contentment a state they think they have attained? I dont know. It is quite easy to live in a state of non existent contentment. But is it worth it? sacrificing the senses.. I dont claim to be completely truthful in everything in life. But i know my very existence is not a lie. I am so confused. What is true and what is not? I dont know.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

A futile struggle

A futile struggle
Borne out of disappointment..
A struggle for independence
something so completely
non existent
A futile struggle
A struggle to stand out
A struggle to conquer
impossible egos

A struggle to wipe out
dreams arising from hopes
But oh!What use are they?
Never will they ever come true
A struggle to feed an endless pit
A struggle is all i can see
The struggle
that sucks away
my soul

The struggle that eats me up
Leaving the carcass of my dreams
to all scavengers
to mock at
to feed on

A struggle that would someday kill
A death leaving behind an empty shell
A shell sans dreams sans hope
Just a mere shell for the whole world
to just look at
and philosophise
and talk

An example to never be followed
a non existent existence
that of all..
A bud killed
by the comfort of hot water
Oh! What use is all this?

Knowing fully well the consequences
I struggle
A futile struggle
Someday A total fall
I foresee
Me or my opponent i know not
Me or my opponent
Difference not

A futile struggle
Filled with enough carcass
for all vultures around
Filled with empty dreams
enough for philosophers around
Filled with hatred
Enough for all saints around.