Thursday, December 18, 2008

The perfect Stranger

I walk down the crowded road
A sea of faces greet me
Faces filled with sorrow
Faces filled with joy
Eyes that sparkle
The few that really stand out..
There she stands
the perfect stranger..
Looking at me
with her penetrating eyes

Her lips curved
in a mocking smile
Know I her not...
I stare at her
A stranger but a stranger still..
A poised woman
Search I do
for her invisible crystal ball
The one between us
The one she is glancing into..
Find I that cannot

I walk forth
Passing the many effortlessly
"Amigo.." She calls me..
The voice from the past
The perfect stranger
not one then
In her eyes i see
Secrets real precious
Ones i'd deemed forgotten
Ones i'd buried happily

Secrets she has under lock and key
The sorrow in my eyes
mirrored in hers..
The perfect stranger
back in an instant
The block in my mind disappears
I see us..
I see her
for what we were
Long ago
All hopes i had harboured
In secret disappear
For she is to remain forever
the perfect stranger

Silent tears i shed
For that was
A tear no smile can replace
A tear reminding me
of memories invaluable
My dear stranger..
Can i rewrite the past?
Should I try?
I wish i knew...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A long awaited journey

I am leaving morrow noon. Leaving this temporary abode of mine. (Just for a week. :D) After years and years of planning, I am finally going to Nasik. A trip full of expectations and desires. I hope everything turns out well. Planning to post a lot of pics in my blog post the trip. :) One week of silence in these pages.. Or so I think..

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Never near but never far away

I was looking up at the sky yesterday evening. The evening sky with its different shades of orange blue and white is always a joy to look at. I dont think any painter can ever capture the colors on canvas. The many shades.. The completely brilliant transformation of one to another. I really wish there was a way i could portray it in my words. The sky reminds me of the many walks i have taken in this little village in Rajasthan.. Standing and staring at the color combinations and commenting about it. On nights of full moon i stand staring at the moon the gentle night air kissing my face. Is it a grandmother with a kid? Or is it a rabbit? I think science sometimes kills the wonderment. Take my rational mind for example. When i stand wondering, it tells me.. Those are craters. There are too many in the moon. Orion.. My fav constellation. On some nights when i am really happy, orion looks not like a hunter with his dog but more like a man stretching out his arms in joy. This reminds me of a photo we took in a palace Bikaner. I think it was jinny's idea to pose with all of us stretching our arms to the sky. It was a moment of complete joy. One of the photographs my mind recalls whenever i think about my college life.

Sometimes, i wonder as to how life would have been if we dont have all those technological marvels that make our existence so easy and ya so long.. I really and truly admire the beauty i find around me in nature.Simple acts of kindness, love and trust.. The setting sun, the floating clouds, the innocent smiles.. I remember nights in pilani without electricity. (Bangalore lack of electricity doesnt matter much in the nights.. Evenings i am in the office anyway.. :D )It dint matter much in winter. But summer was horrible. Still, i remember fruitful conversations with a lot of people at those moments. When we took a few minutes off from the computers and socialised with live human beings. In psenti sem there was this long walk me preethi and anu took. In the dark. Once with data. Lots with Jd and Sowmya.. Times which made me wish we had power cuts more often. Times long gone by. We walk in different cities now..Thanks to the same technology very much in touch during similar walks. Physically apart but our tongues yapping their way to glory. I dint intend to make this bit a psenti dedication to people from the past who have found their way into my present too.. (Oh. i am trying to tell you that these are frnds of many yrs) But i guess communing with nature reminds me of them. For isnt friendship too this one thing without pretense? One of the few natural things left to us.. I haven't expressed my affection in words often. (though i have expressed my discontent and anger a time too many.. ) I tried to with write ups on farewells and testimonials in orkut. But the trust they place in me and the confidence it gives me when i most need it, i dont think i can ever express it fully. I dedicate this post to 685,176,522,588,454,785,444,448,183,671,680.. THanks guys!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The fire

She could see the flames
Rising sky high
Blinding her with their fury
Fire atleast found its fodder
Fire which fed on innocence
Fire which fed on happiness
Making it non existent
Ashes no tales could tell

She stood on the threshold
Watching the proofs disappear
Proof of those that were
A proof she wished
she could save
A proof she knew
could exist no longer
A proof she knew
she had to handover
someday to time..
Knowledge never
could ease any pain
Knowledge never could console.

She ran blindly
towards a non existent refuge
Oh there they stood
Staring at her with their hungry eyes
Fact is fact they scream
No earplug
powerful enough
Nothing to escape the agony
But to face it
Courage not hers..
Never could it be..

She just ran..
away and away
the warm air hit her
The ashes forming a crown
on her dainty head
She just ran
away and away
to never return
to the nothingness
left behind.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Just another dream

Why does it matter so?
Your smile your scorn
your lack of expression?
I see myself walking
right beside you
You,oblivious of my existence
lost in your noble thoughts
And me near you
same as ever

Wondering what it is that
you ponder over
Wishing with all my heart
that a grain of thought
about me be
Even a smile
born for something else
A smile I could see
and dream about
Let the hope in my heart live
For was it not meant for me?
Could I not see it??

The same question greets me
Every living moment
Acknowledge do you
my existence too?
This sweet sorrow
I am alien to
A minimal indication
of concern
in happiness
my heart bursts
Songs pour our
from a lyrical peacock...
The others stare
Of this joy I experience...

A workaholic now content
dreaming of a non existent future
You've given me
a gift real wonderful
Memories bottled away
Too precious to be left
lying around

Know I do
that time runs out too..
This feeling I have not
words to describe..
Adoration too mild
Love I know not
A feeling I call
with your lovely name
In your imperfections
perfection I see
An idol i worship in stealth

My secret too precious
to be revealed
Want not I do
to lose the little I have
Want I not mine to be
Just another dream
Wish I do
that you aint
Just another dream
Many a dark night
is made bright
by the fireflies
inside my preserved bottles.

I knew i loved you SAVAGE GARDEN

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

Lost seeker 4

What use was the prevention? A prevention unable to prevent. The poison was strong enough to corrupt. But not strong enough to prevent. One wasnt completely disgusted by it. To prevent.. to stop history from repeating itself, one had to be disgusted with it. One had to be convinced that the actions would destroy. The fact that everything was ok would not let one prevent. The fact that human beings survive despite conflict. How he hated this confusion which bestowed itself upon him. He wished he was stronger. He wished he was better than all he detested. "How bad would it be to become what you are running away from? Think of that my dear.." His alter ego told him gently. He knew.. Oh dint he.. The path would lead him to what he sought. But to follow it, that took all his strength.

He thought of his dream. The desire to be whole again. The desire to lose himself so much in his deeds that nothing else mattered. The desire to love his life so much that the past would be erased completely. No he did not want to erase it. He just wanted to reduce the pain. The pain that tore him apart every single day. A pilgrimage.. Thats what this was. A pilgrimage to seek his inner God. A pilgrimage! He who had scorned upon gods.. Looked at them as mere figments of people's imagination was set to find one now. "Dont be so hard on yourself. You scorned upon the rituals. Not the Gods. You have always been spiritual.." His alter ego again.

Again,he wondered if he was a mad man raving about things he hardly knew anything about. A lonely mad man who spoke to himself and convinced himself it was his alter ego he was conversing with. He wished he was not so hard on himself. He passed by a mirror. The smile on his face... A smile he never got rid of.. He couldnt call it fake. For he knew a part of him was happy with the material comforts life offered him. It was this tiny bit somewhere that confused him so. That told him he did not have what he wanted. That told him to set upon this pilgrimage. The tiniest thought in his head which had more power than anything else. No matter what he had been doing, ever since that thought entered his head, it had made its presence felt. It could be partly because he knew that the thought should not remain just a thought. He wanted to make it a concrete dream.

Maybe, it wouldnt seem so precious to him then. With that desire conquered, he could set about to do the other things he wanted to do. The doubt crept in again. He sometimes felt he was like a dumb teenager searching after a non existent dream girl. He wished he could dismiss it as a hormonal imbalance. But he knew it was not so. It was his search for his own identity. Not that he dint like who he was.. He wanted to be better. Isnt that what life was about? A constant struggle to be better? Human beings who were happy being what they were had to be sure that there was no scope for improvement. Spend atleast sometime searching for the scope. He had taken a step further and made that search occupy a major part. Communing with himself. The self he wanted to know better. The self he wanted to love better.


Tuesday, December 02, 2008

The lost seeker 3

He could hear the echo of a voice from a not so distant past. The past he had isolated himself from. He fondly remembered the moments. The years he had lost himself in his innocence. The years he had defended the very thing he detested right now. Innocence.. what a convenient term it was for the ignorance that defined his very existence then. A part of him still wanted it back. The ignorance which dint let him see the world for what it was. The ignorance which made everything royal and regal. The blind once withdrawn,the anger and the hatred stuck him with all its force. But nothing was as horrible as the pretense. The pretense which made him dread the next demand. The pretense which scared him too much that he could not even acknowledge words of affection. Deeds of sacrifice that made him suspect the sacrificer. Was it worth it? This knowledge he had such a difficulty living with? He knew not. He just wished he could give it up and go back to his old state. The ignorant innocent kid.

"And be cheated all your life?" His alter ego was alive again. " So what if you lost something from the past? It was not meant to be your future.Hanging on to objects will just tie you down. You are the wind.. The wind that is uncontrolled. The wind that can rage as a storm or calm as a gentle breeze. You have the independence to be any of the two now. Let go.." He wished he could completely. He had been so unsuccessful. Never could he shake it off. It always was there. In the back of his mind. the serpent poised to strike. the serpent with very little poison. Little but still existent poison. the serpent that wouldnt kill him but numb his spirit. Sometimes for days.. Sometimes for the critical minutes. The ones that really mattered. He wished he could remove the fangs completely. Render it helpless and surge forward.

"Why do you want to destroy it? Cant you see the fangs it has are all that is left? The poison never can harm you. Let it be. Forget not that the poison was once the medicine which saved you.. It comes only when summoned. Summon it not. Let it rest. "His alter ego told him.. Ah! The wisdom in those words. If only it were that easy. Sometimes the effort it took to stay away almost killed him. He was thankful for his life. Saved by the very thing that poisoned his soul now. He was grateful and angry. He wished he could come to terms with it. He realised he had come a long distance from home. Should he turn back? The thought summoned the serpent. Moments of weakness always did. He immediately banished it.
He could not afford to be weak.The object he thought was far too precious to be lost. He knew that if he faltered he could lose it forever. That moment he felt.. It was the end. the end to all his sorrow. The joy he sought would complete him. Provide him with an elixir so powerful that the serpent could not harm him anymore. What elixir more powerful than happiness? He knew he should not stop. He moved forth. Refusing to let the poison take control. Refusing to be beaten. Just as ignorance had shielded him once, knowledge did now. The knowledge that all that was would cease to be someday. New things would come in their place. The older ones losing their brightness to the ones cropping up. Consoling himself.. The knowledge comforting him.

Memories beautiful
of moments that were
caught along
with those that werent..
A sieve he sought
The sieve of knowledge
to just let through
those that gave life
The rest stay there
just where they were
to remind
to prevent...