Friday, January 30, 2009

Lost seeker 5

His pilgrimage had been successful. Or atleast the distance he had come till now. He did know himself better. He did know that to seek he had to let go and let go he had. Somethings happily somethings with difficulty. It continued to amaze him. The more he let go, the more he could appreciate his life. He shouldn't have taken this temporary break. He had been scared by the minor setback he had forecasted wrongly. This shelter, so far away from civilisation had been so tempting. He was sure nobody could find him here. "Not that anyone was searching for you" his alter ego reminded him. The last thing he had expected here was this. The face he had so badly wanted to forget. The memories associated with it could still hurt him.It was something he had not anticipated. This pain. Pain mere thoughts could inflict on him. He, who had forsaken everything. It humbled him. The one good thing it did. But the sorrow.. It never would go away. The distant past seemed so near now. Everything came alive before him. Putting on a special show just for his benefit. He did not know how to handle it.

Escape escape escape.. His alter ego kept chanting. He knew a way. He knew it would work. But it meant a temporary pause in the pilgrimage. He had to deceive. This deception. He so did hate it. Hate could he? Wasnt that another emotion he had let go? How could a single image remind him of all that he never could be? It mocked at him. He squirmed in discomfort. He wanted to go back. Back to all that he had thought was a mirage. Back to all that he had forsaken in this search. For now he knew he was caught. He was too corrupt to be cleansed. He started to break down. All that he had done. They seemed so useless now. All that he had given up was too precious. Was it this image that had scared him into submission? Was it freedom from this image that led him on to this search? Was it too late?

From within him a voice spoke. The voice he had longed to hear. That of his inner soul.The inner god he had worshipped so long. It gave him hope. Redemption was possible. Wasnt corruption also a human trait? He wanted to discover himself. He had discovered something that hurt. He wasnt strong enough to fight it. But he was enlightened enough to want to not submit to it. I wont. I never will. He told himself. With his destination clear in his mind, he started. Not to be hurt. Not to be defeated by mere images. The dream beckoned. It was too precious to be lost.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

5 people you meet in heaven

I had read "Tuesdays with morrie" by the same author. The book was wonderful. His name was what made me pick this book.I dint regret buying it. The story starts with a guy who works as the head of maintenance in an amusement park (Eddie) dying in an attempt to save a girl. His soul then reaches heaven.He has to meet 5 people who would tell him why he lived the way he lived and what was the purpose of his life. In this book Eddie has a lot of resentments about his life. Every person who meets him tells him why things had to happen that way.He is able to come to terms with his life and accept himself and those around him for what they were.The other beautiful thing about the book is the message that all our lives are really interconnected. I guess all of us at one level or the other do know its true. As the blue man says,"Strangers are but family you are yet to meet." At places i felt the book was slightly exaggerated. But then the message was so powerful that i was able to ignore the exaggerations.

I was wondering how self centered I am and how i seldom think of other people and the effect i might have on them. It made me speechless for sometime. I spent the whole day thinking about this. (Finally i decided to let life take its course and not think too much on a saturday) I would recommend this book to all those who claim their lives suck.Its oneof those books that hit you with a message and try to make you think about your own life. It reminded me that whatever happens,happens for a reason. It shook me out of the self pitying state i had placed myself in (For travelling 12hours in a pathetic bus) and reminded me to take each day as it comes and live life to the fullest.

The longing

This poem was written cos of V sending me the first two lines in a chat. :) I hope it lives upto expectations

In the rays of the sun

I long for the darkness
The fulfilled dreams
joy they no longer give me
This tug i experience
in my heart
words have i not
to explain

In silence I stand
This silence alien to me
I hear my heart whisper
An enormous task for me,
A stranger to failure
To accept your absence
in my empty life...
You my dear were
A presence that never was
Your unspoken words
sweep away all my desires
A tsunami in my soul
i experience
Will-- have I not left

All I am now
A mere undesired object..
My unrequitted affection
My unfulfilled dream
The treasures
I lock safely away
To admire in stealth
In the rays of the sun
I long for the darkness
The darkness that lets me be

Into my cave of solitude
I retreat
to heal my wounds
and accept
that that never was

Someday search I will
for that that can be..
Time - a gift i have
Time - my best friend..
to live..

The new wave

From a distance i watch
the carefully painted image
the lovingly created idol
being easily washed away
in the waves
of a new tide..

Painful memories haunt me
Memories pleasant
Memories of a time
Oh! So wonderful
Was it all
just a mere fantasy?
Fantasies of an adoring mind
Memories i want erased
Memories a part of me
wants preserved

The broken pieces
of a beautiful mirror
are all I can see
Each bit showing
a different dream
The bits that never
can be whole again

Oh! What hopes i harbored
What dreams i dreamt
Was this the end
It had to come to?
An end i never envisaged..
An opportunity lost

All those undreamt dreams
question me..
"Is this what
you suppressed us for?
Is this pain
all that you wanted?"
Speechless I stand
watching the tide
wash my dreams away

An image created
Was it just to lure
this very tide?
Oh! I wish i knew then..
A crystal ball
I pray for
A crystal ball
I know attain
I never can

Alone I stand
amid the remains
No one to run to
No one to call
to my aid
This end i want not
A begining
I am too tired to attempt

Conflicting wishes confuse
the tormented soul
Attempts to wipe it all out
Oh! I cannot
I just cannot
Live with it..
My ego cannot

Into the tide i wade forth
Into the unforgiving waves
I run
Giving myself up
I sink
without a fight

This end
I wanted not
This very end
I embrace blindly
This very end
that becomes me..

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Vaan nila beautiful lyrics

vaan nilaa tharum oLi ivaL
thaen palaa tharum suvai ivaL mozhi
tamizh dhaanoa?
paarpugazh nayil nadhi ivaL nadai
thaamarai malarkodi ivaL idai
tamizh pennoe?

uN azhaginai paada
en tamizh mozhi podhaadhu
naan uvamaigaL sonnaaL
adhu muzhumaiyendraagadhu
nee orae orudharam pirandhavaL
avaL padaippiniL miga chirandhavaL oho ho
silu siluvaena vizhum pudhu pani thuLiyoe
mazhai ezhudhum mudhal kaviyoe
dham dham dham sang sangeedham
kolu soarujal

neelam thoyitha andha aagayam
undhan maelaadum noolaadaiyoa...
oru dharam sirikkaiyil therikkaiyil
pudhu pudhu kavidhaigaL pulapadum purapadum
radhiyae radham poal nadandhae
nee varum vazhi engum
kurunji malarpoal kulungum
koor nerunji muL yendrum
nadhikkuL kudhikkum meengaL
uN neel vizhi kandu
nilaththil vaazhum meenoa
yena viyappadhu undu

(vaan nila...)

dhinam dhinam manadhiniL undhan mugamezhudhi
rasiththiruppaen uyir thazhuvi
kaa-dhaL de-vi yen nenjam
un koyil-dhaan
kaadhal yendrum andha koil dheebam
yendru yeNNangaL yearkaadhoa...
idi minnal mazhaiyilum
adikkindra puyalilum
uyir uLLa varaiyilum
oLi vidum viLakkidhu
yennai thaan ganam nee pirindhaal
neer vizhigaLum vaarkkum
unnaidhaan varuththum avaL yaar
yena iyarkkaiyum kaetkum
peNNai azhagaay padaiththal
andha iyarkkaiyin vaelai
aRindhum yennayae kaettaal
ada idhu yenna leelai?

(vaan nila...)

A mere thought

A mere thought
it began as
A mere thought
with a new begining
a thought whose existence
acknowledge i did
with fear

It grew wild and uncontrolled
In stealth, admire it I did
Hiding it
with all my might in company
But eyes.. Oh they lie not
The eyes you never noticed
the eyes a few did

What was it about you
that makes you stand out
in a crowd?
What is it about you
that a mere thought
leaves me defenceless
Oh! I wish i knew
Words i offer to thee
Words you never know
were meant for you
Words you never glance through
Words i spend hours with

What is it about you
that makes me forget
everything else?
I wish i knew..

Into songs i burst forth
seeing a smile
A smile meant
for a thought
A thought unrelated
to nonexistent me

Oh this joy
I wish i can
someday harness
Oh this pain
I wish it would
someday disappear.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

An image.. A mirage

An image too clear
I see..
But oh! Is it real?
A preserved photograph
of a distant future
transmitted by the power
the power of a dream
Or, is it just another mirage?

That of an oasis
in a non existent desert..
The desert I am too scared
to step into
even in my dreams

Your presence doth me reassure
But your silence..
Oh too many meanings
into it I read
My dear lord
A pawn am I
in the game of life

Feel I do
you with me
Questions too many i put forth
Answers now i expect not
Oh! The mirage
It inspires
it scares
it envelops me..

My thoughts too occupied
Focus I do
with faith enormous
Inspiration winning
easily over fear
The image i wish
I hope and aspire for
The image i hold dear
The trust i decide
to place on the power
the power
of a dream..
The preserved photograph
doth me now beckon

Monday, January 19, 2009

Tale of a window seat and SRK

I had this very bad writer's block last month. (I know people like V claim i aint no writer to claim i have a block. But ya to each his own. :D ) Thanks to this female in the bus with me last friday, i lost it. I have this really soft corner for the window seat. I can sit and watch people happily and brand them. Oh ya and also compare those irritated faces to the one i see in the mirror everyday and be happy with the fact that the latter is infinitely more pleasant to look at. (again to each his own. IN this case her own) I had specifically gotten a window seat booked in the bus. This female took advantge of the fact that i would board at KMF(which is the second stop) and flicked my seat. I get in to the bus and very sweetly ( i can be nice at times) tell her, "I think 12 is the window seat. I got 12." She gives me a dumb smile and hands over a water bottle to me and says," The conductor gave this to you." (incidentally the conductor is a really old chap with a bald head. He gives a water bottle to everybody in the bus.) I gave her the dirtiest look i could and sat down in the aisle. All the while cursing my luck.
Ah, then came the best part. FOr a change, the conductor was sensible and played Kuch Kuch Hota Hai! The well known and appreciated fact is that i love SRK. I watched this movie first when i was a really innocent kid(I wasnt born irritating you know) and i assumed that i would go to a college where the likes of SRK would play baski with me. I did wake up to reality in my first year (no offence meant guys, but there was none remotely resembling SRK in BITS. I agree i aint so great either) but till then, this movie was like what i used to watch and hope. In a way i am glad about "the not playing baski in college" part as i am this really active person who gets tired looking at people play. (imagine me being mentally exhausted. We dont want that do we?) back to my story. I was busy looking at SRK's antics when the conductor stopped the movie midway. (The pathetic part was this is the same conductor who plays age old kannada movies for hours on end when i am really exhausted and want to sleep in the bus. This is called FATE i guess)I was forced to go to sleep.
I spent some time thinking about my college life. (I dont do that often) I was reminded of a lot of people and our plans (well made but never executed). I have just one regret. My not climbing the clock tower.(All those unlucky souls who havent been to bits can check the pic of it in my blog) I guess ill go there someday when i am old and climb it while holding a stick in one hand.(Well i am not going to be that old anytime soon) But I am sure that there will be a chowki even then who would prevent me from climbing it. I guess i should hit him over the head with something and run up and come back quickly before he regains consciousness. As long as I am dreaming, i can throw in a handsome bodyguard for myself who will hide the body and carry me up and down the stairs. (I dont like to exert myself. I really dont) Sigh! Dreams will be dreams i guess.

Deep DIslikes

Life is sometimes very funny. Today seemed to be a great day. I landed safely in bang and went walking early in the morning. (9 o clock is early in my part of the world) I was even able to connect to the net without a page load error. Then BHAM! There went my day down the drain.
I dont know why i have this deep dislike programmed into my system. (I claim i work like a machine. Those who want to comment on this can call me up. :D) There is this one thing about me i find difficult to accept. I am usually this really level headed and sensible individual.(On a relative scale) But there are few people whose very name makes me go wild (with anger or dislike) I dont know why i have made friend's updates visible in orkut. I never go look at anyone else's profile anyway.There is this type i cant stand. They dont have anythng in common except my not being able to stand them. Today when i am finally able to check my orkut all i get to see in my home page is them writing testimonials for someone else or someone uploading their ugly faces in their albums. Why do people want to do that?! I did disable the updates immediately but i am so irritated right now looking at all those faces and names that i want to royally beat someone up. Volunteers welcome.
What i cant really take is the fact that such people are able to affect me even after such a long time. Why do i harbour such deep dislikes. Sigh!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

M.A.T 1

My attempt at humour.. Comments which dont have ha ha will not be accepted. :|

Well ok. I agree I am not the most wonderful thing on earth to look at. When you look at me from certain angles you can say i almost look handsome.Well whatever it is, nobody and i mean nobody deserves this state. I have been positively ignored and pitched into this dark hole for the past two weeks.I can take anything but being ignored. It comes from being the Most Wanted thing on earth. M.W.T doesnt sound cool now. Let me change my name. (Being a higher being has a few advantages. Even when i am at my worst I can think of new names for myself.) I am the Most Adored Thing in the whole wide world. M.A.T. Me and my fellows we absolutely rock. You need us to get anything you want. I mean most things. They say there are somethings we cant help you get. I wonder what they are talking about. For those creatures of lesser intelligence who insist on seeinf things the way the masses see them, i guess i am what you would call a 20Rs note. what you wouldnt know is that i am all of 8 years old and much more wiser than you can expect yourself to be. (I never said humility was one of my virtues.) Now that this ugly hag (no she aint one. but thats what i plan to call her for ignoring me) has dropped me unceremoniously into her purse and forgotten all about me, i think i can sit and reminiscence or rather whatever this posture of staying flat on my back on a standing purse is called and reminiscence.

I was this real handsome note. I dont think any of you are interested in where i was minted. You can google up all those money things in a jiffy. (Aint i tech savvy now. I was in the purse of a software geek for sometime.) The first time i was out of all those presses n stuff was as this nice new bundle of notes. There I was given to this not so bad looking guy. He took me home.(If you havent guessed by now i was his salary) There was the most adorable kid I had ever seen. The apple of his eye and he gave me to the charmer who held me close to his heart. (Well this is the sort of begining i would have liked.) But what I got was this dirty looking imp that held out his hand even before his dad came into the house. "Pocket money" he seemed to scream and this guy gave me to him without even giving him a second glance. I still cant stand people with leaking noses. Sigh. The imp unceremoniously thrust me among other notes he had among his dirty clothes. I was immediately elevated to a demi god status. They hadnt seen someone of my calibre till then! The 10Rs chap was really upset as i had spoilt his status by my arrival. I spent quite sometime with the ugly rather dirty kid. (I guess that explains my aversion to kids. they are too dirty. This one completely soiled me.) He used to air me once in a while. I guess he thought that if he counted us often enough we would multiply.
This was an attitude i met with most of my life. Finally he saved enough to get a stamp book of all things. I still feel that dipping his hand in glue gave him an excuse to be dirty. My living conditions were much better in the shop. I was allotted a seperate house with few fellows of my rank. I met the feared snobbish 100walas. They were seperated from me physically (I should thank that guy for that. I would have died listening to their supposedly funny stories.)Now I think that if i try to elucidate my history talking about every guy who held me you would all either stop reading or call me boisterous after listening to the whole thing. You might call me so even if i cut it short. But since i am trying to be nice here and I want to be read, i will cut short the whole thing to just few interesting people i met.
In my earlier days i was actually given a nice status. I was not as cheap as a 5rs note. Neither was i as important as a 100rs one. A family who had me could eat a full meal by expending just me. I dont claim to have felt hunger or pain. But the former is the one word i think most humans are scared of. The rest answer to the description greedy.There are a handful who dont fit into to both categories. Mind you i am talking only from my experience. I have heard the word "saint", but never met anyone who answered to it. Getting back to my early days, I was really M.A.T then.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Another one here

2008 is over. Done with! It was a wonderful year..(I was wondering how all my years end up being so. Must have something to do with the brilliant personality of the person running through them.) I got a great job, maintained all relationships that matter ( I claim i dont maintain relationships that dont matter. I never attribute anything to laziness) Got back to reading (or rather consuming) books by the dozen. Oh I forgot the main thing i enjoyed the most. Eating! I spent so much of my time trying out new restaurants in bang and of course shopping in all wierd places for self and for the rest.
Now that 2009 is here, I decided ill try resolutions for a change.. First one is to maintain a diary. I used to be so particular about maintaining one once. (Of course half the pages were filled with me cursing my sis and the other half was her countering them.) Now that i am a little mature ( for those who want to debate this, lets take it offline) I thought i would record my finer thoughts for posterity to read and marvel over. ( I have this tendency to exagerrate)
The second one is to become a bit more fit. (Well here is an understatement. A lot more would be like it) Driven purely by the noble thought of having a healthy body and a healthy mind, i plan to eat out less. (This resolution has nothing to do with S calling me an ugly looking baby elephant)
The third one is well to write slightly happy stuff. A lot of people tell me i write only serious stuff. Now I am going to try to write funny things too. Lets see how these resolutions work out. Others are on a personal front. I should try to keep them up this year.

Bartimaeus Trilogy

I have been silent for quite sometime now. Had a wonderful long vacation. Met up with some long lost friends too.(Well.. i met most of them just before passing out. But it sounds better to say long lost. I am conveniently forgetting hour long phone calls here) Fell sick and now back with a bang. I thought I would attempt a book review. I was reading the Bartimaeus trilogy (Amulet of Samarkand, The Golem's eye and Ptolemy's gate) It was hilarious and Bartimaeus is worth his weight in gold.(If any body is going to tell me he is weightles ill set a djinn on them) The book was brilliant company for a sick kid in bed (Oh I was trying to get some sympathy here) THe author has tied up all knots really well. Though the third book got a bit boring towards the end, it was still a good read. Kitty's character set me thinking. Are there still people around who value their ideals? I know not. I wish they were. Sometimes i end up compromising them too. Getting back to Bartimaeus, the footnotes of his are too good to be true. The reason he gives for assuming each form he does and his constant squabbles with Nathaniel and other fellow djinn got me laughing my head out at unearthy hours. I am planning to attempt a book in similar lines. I dont know but. Lets see..