Saturday, July 11, 2009


It was a long ride home. He was going through the main road. The same road where they had spent a lot of their time talking and walking. He had been too engrossed in her then to have noticed anything else. Or so he thought. It was only him now and every place he went to, he saw her image there. It did not matter who was with him. It did not matter where he was. Everywhere, Every place, it was only her. Him and her were all that was there. His friend, the only person who understood the extent to which he had been in love, told him he would be fine and that time would heal all his wounds.

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't

He couldnt leave the place. His work was here, his family was nearby, all his friends were here. But he so badly wanted to. He felt if he left the place and went out, it would all be fine. He wouldnt have to wake up to see her face in the walls of his house. He wouldnt have to hear the waitress reciting the order in her voice. He wouldnt have to see her in the cab driver who drove the car.Dint the memories mean anything to her? Was it only to him that they had ever meant anything? He could not bear the thought. But the truth was right there staring at his face. Looking at him in the eye and telling him,"Yes, these are only your memories. Not what she had. To her, it was just another guy she spoke to." Every song reminded him of her. Hadnt they been playing in the background during their numerous talks? She had helped him out of one problem. Promising him that with time, it would all be fine.Yes, he was fine. It was not a problem to him anymore. But she, she was. Not a problem, but the ghost of her haunted him wherever he went.

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

She was talking to him the other day, about the guy she wanted to marry. Describing his traits. She was gone now, gone home to meet her parents. He could see her looking at the numerous strangers and wondering if this could be the guy she wanted to marry. Couldnt she see him? What was the blind that was there in front of her eyes? Wouldnt it ever lift? Should he be happy she called him to discuss the bridegrooms or should he be heartbroken that she dint look at him as one? "How is it that the person you saw as your other half couldnt see you so?"EVery other day he thought and every other day, it broke another piece of his heart. Was it divine retribution for the sins he had committed in his past and in his past lives? Had he done something to hurt people so much that he was being hurt a lot now? He was controlling his emotions every other day as he did not want to burst out in public. He did not want to be melodramatic and create a scene. She wouldnt like it.Everyday he woke up feeling he would be fine by the night. He wasnt. Tomorrow, he said. Tomorrow, ill wake up and it will be over.

I don't know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

He had built his future around an image. A surreal image of a real person who had never understood. Of a real person whose only thought of him had been as a friend. It was all a dream. A dream he wanted to wake up from. But he knew it wasnt. Those were his memories. Memories he had preserved. How could he look at them as dreams? He knew he would be fine if he could convince himself that everyday, every night for the last few months had been just a dream. He wouldnt call it a nightmare. His life now was. But then, it wasnt. Then, it was beautiful and everyday had held a promise. Every minute had given him a beautiful memory. A memory he did not want to lose. Should it be enough? Live with the memories and be happy for them rather than be upset about them being just memories? Would he be happier then? The man all alone who had just his memories for company? Rather, the man who wanted only his memories to live with? The question ruled his every waking moment. To look at it only as a memory would mean killing the hope. The hope he held on to and always thought he would.

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just do

Would time heal this wound too? Should he run faster from life? Was it possible to do that?He knew it would be. He knew he could. Erase everything else in his life except the memory. Erase everything else and live with them. For wasnt it the other things that were creating the problem? The moments without her were horrible as she wasnt there in his real life. But in his dreams,she was and always only she would be. He decided. He chose to erase the present.

Gimme a lil time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

Today, he couldnt do it. But someday he could do it. Not let anything matter. Anything except the dreams of his memories. The days he had felt more alive than ever. The days he had been happiest. The moments he had wanted to never end. The moments he treasured and always would. He knew if he went into his trance, there would be none to wake him up. For none would realise he was in a trance. He knew that was his only way out. The only way he could live with her and be happy with her. He knew how she would react for everything. He knew what she liked, disliked, the way she called him a psycopath and the way she called him adorable. He knew her too well. So well that he became her to himself. So well that he lost himself and became what he wanted to be with. So well that he ceased to exist. For without her, there was no meaning anyway. Someday maybe, he would become himself. The day she came back to him. The day the blind lifted. Till then, life could wait. For without her, there was no life. She had become the life he had always wanted.

And I know I'm not ready,
Maybe tomorrow

P.S. Lyrics of an Avril Lavigne song. Data, i knew you would get it. :D


me said...

was here
dint get the song.

Harini Padmanabhan said...

@data: Sigh.. you dint get the song! We had listened to it a hazaar times together in BITS

Ryaraghav said...

Nice one :) I couldn't get the song too.. I am anti-avril if u remember.

Vivek said...

Written well, I must say.
Avril songs are so snooooooozeeee!

viki said...

hmmm there are too many guys arnd with those kindsa feelins....

Harini Padmanabhan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Harini Padmanabhan said...

@Aish: I dint expect you to remember. Thanks. :)
@Vivek: Avril and I have a love hate relationship. (From my side of course!) Glad you liked it.
@Viki: Well, I wont say that yaar. To a lot its just pick up drop escape. :D

Harini Padmanabhan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
viki said...

i don deny de existence of 'pick up drop escape' ppl ... but there are indeed quite a few who ll have de same feelins expressed n de blog..