Friday, February 21, 2014

Of Small fishes in Big Ponds and Big Fishes in Small ones

When i was growing up, I felt invincible. I guess people who knew me then would agree with that. I guess in some ways i was this know-it-all kid everyone knows. All of us have definitely known one. As i was reading Malcolm Gladwell's David & Goliath, I realize i was what he would call a "Big Fish in a small pond". I wasn't studying in a big school in a big city but i was one of the toppers in a good school in a small town. I loved what i did then and you would hardly find me without a book in my hand.

Then came the college - I aimed for a top college (one of the premier institutes in India) a lot of children aim for and got into it. Went there with high hopes of topping and realized it was filled with smarter people. I was initially shocked and then humbled and finally came to the realization that there are different types of intelligence and somehow, i wasn't interested in the one that came out of a book anymore. I did not do too badly. I passed with distinction but the first test i got a 0, (the same person who had wailed for getting a 99) is still fresh in my memory and every time i get complacent, i remember that. In college, as a "Small fish in a big pond" i was so lost and it took me quite sometime to make peace with not being a topper. Of course i never shared what I felt with my friends as i felt they were a lot more hard working than i was and would keep trying till the last test. I never gave up studying per se because i know my concepts were good but i started focusing on things outside studying and some of the relationships i made then taught me so much more about survival than my courses did.

Being on both sides of the fence - "Small fish in a Big Pond" and "Big fish in a small pond", i have to admit it, the size of the fish remains the same. It is just the relative change in atmosphere around you. Unless you keep watching yourself and your thoughts, you cannot remain happy and successful for long enough. Atleast, you can definitely not be happy long enough. In the first case, SFIBP, you start feeling insecure, lonely, dumb, unhappy and depressed if you find yourself not good enough. If you are a BFISP, you feel complacent, euphoric and might become a megalomaniac, who cannot survive beyond small ponds.

I am no researcher, I am no Malcolm Gladwell, but a couple of years ago i resolved that i would measure myself by my standards and that they would be strict, fair and just most of the time and that no matter what, i would greet my friends insecurity or complacency ever again. Thankfully, i haven't had to. Thank god..

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Magic

Lost in thought i gaze into infinity
to catch a fleeting glimpse
of something wonderful
Something so obviously out of place
as though placed just for me
just for this beautiful moment to pass

I am free from my shackles
if only for a few moments
i fly without wings
I forget all that ought to be
I forget all that has been
and focus on the million possibilities
I am alive and oh so happy
This euphoria, this emotion - so different
quite unlike anything i have ever felt before

Then reality has to interrupt..
and blinds fall hiding the vision
My dear God has such a strange sense of humour
So near yet so far away
So wonderful yet so lost

I know not what the future shall hold
But this moment and the memory of a mirage
is too pleasing to let go

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Idol worship

I always watch you - hours seeming like minutes
Adoration is a disease i have never had
I reach out to touch
and feel that all I've grasped
is a tiny little finger - insufficient

Why do i feel my heart beat faster?
Why do i lose track of time?
Why do i forget all that i know?
Whenever i happen to glimpse into your soul?

Is it truly your soul?
Or is it an image i treasure?
An image i hope is how it ought to be
An image perhaps too close to the reality
or perhaps way too far?

How would i ever know?
Victory - you are a fruit too tempting for me to forget
You are the culmination of all my desires
You are the reason I happily forget
my dear friends sleep and food

When will you ever be mine?

Monday, February 10, 2014

There are days

There are days, when all i want to  hear
is the sound of your voice
Then there are those I wish you did not have one

There are days when ideas seem so lovely
and your intellect so amazing
Then there are those I think you are so demented

There are days when everything is rosy
and oh so beautiful
Then there are those when nothing is right

There are days when togetherness seems to be
the only option left for ever and ever
Then there are those when I hope its the last

There are days when all i want to do
is shout out to the world the joy i feel
Then there are those I want it to save me

I hate to admit it but no matter what I have grown
to love  you more than i hate you
I doubt that will change.