Monday, March 31, 2014
If you have a sense if humour and can make peace with the reality around you go ahead and dive into this one. You might finally find a bed time story.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Yesterday morning I went on my first official drive. Driving for no reason but the drive by myself and I was happy for I had evolved over time and over come one of my biggest paranoias. Road accidents still scare me but I'm careful. Losing face with car issues still scares me but I'm more careful for sometimes you've to do what you got to do and if you don't take that small step very soon you would stop walking.
I've found a path to my heave and that is paved with a lot of small steps which add up to the big ones that remind me I can do anything any time if I try hard enough and refuse to give up. And again the same road has those road blocks I have to circumvent or tackle harder to retain my sanity.
Friday, March 28, 2014
When I walk Laika I've come across a new species.. The screechers. These are those who'll squeak or scream when any animal leashed or otherwise walks in a 1km radius. Imagine a big tiger walking near you - imagine the look in your face and superimpose that on their face along with that look you have when you step on shit. All when the damn dog is leashed. I am sad thinking about the prejudice we've built against the animals based on some random incidents.
Today morning as I took laika to the park the security guard had the cheek to tell me that dogs aren't allowed. After getting a piece of my mind they finally let me and my dog be. How do we work around prejudices without losing cool?
I realized that half my problems are not because of how things are but because of how I think they could have been.
I have to admit that unconditional love and acceptance is impossible for me when people do not change the way I'd expected them to. I can manage change but if I can't even predict it to the smallest degree and if I've been so blind to it then I think the changed person is way too secretive or different. Or maybe ill have to get to know them all together again.
I love and I hate and I sometimes love to hate. Its easier to hate n move on as hatred offers an escape route that love does not. Love forces me to stand back and listen. And indifference well that's cruelty right? I think that's the worst punishment I can give someone.
I love goodbyes sometimes as they solve problems so beautifully. Its not escapism really it is but a coping mechanism.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Sometimes I feel like the weight of the entire world is resting on my shoulders. Like I need to slowly inch my way across space when time comes to an absolute standstill. I need to crawl to progress and a part of me wants to run. That part curses me for the path I've picked and the sacrifices I have to make for that. That part keeps looking at a million alternatives.
I wonder if I am making any difference at all and instead of blazing a sparkling way forward I am not even making a miniscule dent. I go close to the borderline between the sanity and insanity.
Then there's this tiny curious face that walks up to me and expectantly waits for me to react (feed her most of the time) and all that care just flies away and I run for no matter what path I've to tread I have the four legged companion in whose life I make all the difference.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
On days I spend all waking moments working, that's what I feel. No, I am not a disgruntled employee. I'm one of the blessed few that loves their work. But sometimes I am just human enough to admit its an unfair world.
There are some who earn when they shouldn't be for nothing. But then I am reminded of the millions that work much harder than me with more physical and emotional compromises I can't even imagine making and I let it be. I thank all gods and then move on. If I feel its unfair someone else does too and at least to them my life is fair.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Then the cool traffic cop who made two lorries go back the way they came and directed me around. And of course my friend who came in the hot sun to help me drive through a stretch and park the car.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
All drivers hate women. I think.. The dirty stares that go around when I drive pretty normally is one proof point. I'm surprised and sad. Why have we brought this upon ourselves ? I guess some part is the chauvinism and some part is the ease to generalise. I hope someday I can give anybody a run for their money. Till then I'll just observe and mock and rue.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
We were looking for a nice resort in Pondicherry as we had to attend a wedding in chennai and we remembered our glorious trip to Pondicherry in 2011 very fondly. When we'd taken our dog to a nearby shop a friendly dog owner spoke about dune and it being a slightly expensive but pet friendly resort. We liked the pictures we saw online and booked the place.
We entered the resort and as I was waiting outside the reception with Laika a friendly weirmarner shows up and stands looking at her. Madam growls and the dog walks away. The office staff were quite friendly and escorted us to a lovely room with a garden. It was love at first sight.
Laika kept running around the trees and flopped at our feet. The simple room just added on to the aura. The lunch was an unfortunate let down as I guess it was meant for people with a small appetite but the rest of the day more than made up for it. The resort has a tiny private beach we went to with Laika and no matter what she refused to get into the water. After gokarna I've become a water baby and I was happily playing in the waves. The funniest part was her standing in the beach and begging me to come back with howls and trying to run as close to the water as she could and try to get my attention. Those memories are beautiful.
The dinner was good and the ambience in the restaurant was calming. Eating outside with the dog waiting on us was a novel experience. The breakfast was definitely the best meal and we enjoyed it both days we were there. I loved the dune concept of having different types of accomodation. Walking around the campus gave one a sense of serenity and to me that was the best part of the vacation.
We hardly left the resort except to eat lunch on the second day and perhaps I would revisit the place in a few years when I just want to unwind. It's a little heavy on the pocket but watching Laika run around and looking back at the peace I felt, I think it was worth it.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
But then, thats because words have this way of coming back to you for the only purpose of haunting you. When you have to hear "But you said this", "I know you really want me to pay attention. You keep talking to me" , "Oh come on, dont lie, i know the truth" and worst of all,"I am busy"
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
She was busy looking away when I had a treat and hadn't given her a command. ( she gets treats/food only when she follows commands) when I moved it towards her shell quickly turn to get it. Man, calm zone my foot. This dog is intelligent. I'm gonna refine the training to feeding her only if she keeps looking at me. :)
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Over this year I realised that my reality is better than any fantasy I can conjure thanks to the uncertainties in it. The same uncertainties I hate also make life worth living and that's the beauty of it. So here I admit that the real fantasy is so much better any day. The lack of perfection, the sweat, the tiny wriggling creatures and the despicables also in their own way make me want to greet my world every damn day.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Haven't they profiled me as yet as non responsive and uninterested? In this day and age of awesome technological advancement why the hell are they still going with a spray and pray approach? I have no idea. I am going to dedicate this weekend to un subscriptions. I want people to interact with me. Not random emails about things I dint even want in the first place.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I know folks who count every calorie they eat. Some of them scare me. I know those for whom calorie is probably a word they know the meaning of and nothing more. Some of them freak me out.
I want to be fit. I invest so much in my life but not half or even one tenth of that is towards my health. I want to be fit but not go too calorie crazy. I love my food. I've been trying really hard to be active. Walking playing etc etc and I wonder if its enough. Will I be too tired to enjoy anything when old? Will I just be a grumpy granny? I can only wonder.
My generations craziness scares me. The diseases we get ahead of our time just freaks me out. I cook most of my meals and so avoid one of the biggest evils - processed food. But I wonder if I might end up being a vegetable surviving with the help of machines thanks to the advancement of science. That one scene is scary enough to make me exercise every day.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I had a lovely 5 day vacation in Pondicherry and chennai (more over a road trip too). I'm back home tonight and wondering about life. I wish I can always be on a vacation and live in awesome places where people wait on me and make me lovely food while I relax and read. Sigh. Heavens not temporary and I'm hoping I'm not too depressed to be back at work.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
A lot of us debate about the caste system in India. We put it down and wonder what's wrong with the country. The same few hunt and find "breed" dogs. Even import dogs meant to live in the swiss alps to live in the scorching chennai sun and make indoor dogs out of sleigh pulling huskies. All the while ignoring Indian dogs which have been made strays. Why do we do it? I don't know. I love my indie and I was unaware of their plight until I started researching about a dog. I fell in love with my laika.
If it hadn't been for her I doubt id have ever understood about the great injustice we do to something as ancient as our culture. The city dwelling elite import and own breeds while villagers let their cows, hens and dogs coexist in peace. How could we forget that its love and training that can make a difference and independence might not be a bad trait in a dog? They've survived decades in harsh conditions. Are loving, loyal, intelligent and so reliable.
All those who dream of a country without caste kindly extend that to dogs if you ever plan on having own. Be proud to adopt an indie and make a difference between life and death for a very special animal.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Today I was walking along the beach and enjoying the waves and the wind. I love the waves and the calm it bestows on me. It reminds me how miniscule I am in the general scheme of things and makes me feel just awesome.
I tried walking in my husbands footsteps for fun and something interesting stuck me. Once I had stepped in them, the foot prints no longer resembled his and were not like mine either. Sometimes or rather most times in life we walk in the path carved by someone and do not try to forge our own. The path we tread is no longer like how it was and the path that could have been is there only in spirit.
Is it always worth it? Or is the distorted foot print as much a reality as a whole one? I can only ponder. Could individuality be over rated?
Sunday, March 09, 2014
When I got laika home, I was scared I'll become one of those people who can't have a conversation without involving their dog. Many arguments and 2.5 months later I'm confident my conversational skills haven't been sacrificed in the altar of puppy love.
Were traveling with the dog and today was her introduction to the sea. A private beach in Pondicherry. Truth be told, even the wind from the beach and the waves scared her.
So I did cut short my dance in the sea and came back to the room convinced that some day like me my dog will get over her fear of water.
Saturday, March 08, 2014
Want to feel like a celebrity? Walk a pet dog in beasant nagar beach in the night. All strays will welcome you and follow you around. Hopefully not to bite. Enjoying my first road trip with the dog. She was happy with the drive. But pretty restless in chennai.
Friday, March 07, 2014
I know it might be a temporary relief from an obsession, my inherent fear of being alone, but who knows maybe this is the beginning of something new. When I finally get rid of the fears I have and I finally move on by myself. The way it ought to be. Lack of conversation and tackling one of the things I've never been able to do seems awesome. Sachins patience has finally been rewarded and I am soon going to head out and fly away or drive away. Now I don't have to walk away from problems. I'll just drive away.. :)
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Today a friend is leaving the organization and that set me thinking about my previous goodbyes to a life without a dog, to a life in a beautiful house I loved, to a life with less transport everyday and to a few other people. When I sit and think of course a lot of it comes back in vivid detail but otherwise, I don't sit and think. I am busy doing. I pray to him up above that he always gives me the courage to keep doing things and not just sit back and think and wish to revisit the past.
Of course the only thing I still hate is the process of the change. When I am deeming it right to let go. When I am trying to hold on to something I think is precious then. When I am unsure of the future...
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
I am posting something way too personal online and i dont like it, but since i have resolved to write one post per day, here this is.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
A few women I knew would follow each and every tilt of a characters head, chase down sprees they wore in the episodes, argue with their husbands over the neglect they suffer and overall act very melodramatic. I found it funny and was able to isolate a serial behaviour in an otherwise decent group.
Today as I watch one of the last few episodes of castles fifth season I am able to understand those women better. The ones who sought refuge from reality in television and ultimately let it shape this reality. I feel sorry for the crazy ones and thankful that despite all the choices I have in the television now, reading always finds its way back in my priority list. Thank god for hobbies that don't involve gadgets.
Monday, March 03, 2014
I am not a environmentalist and I am sure I do waste a lot of resources in my own special way which perhaps someone would write about in the future. But wasting electricity is thankfully a habit I don't have. When there are millions out there with frequent power cuts, there are folks who live in gate communities with full power back up, who leave all possible lights on. I know of folks who have glittering lights outside the house that's on from 6 in the evening to 6 in the morning. Why do we do that? Why do we like lighting up perhaps too brightly ? Does it stem from the practice of ensuring nothing unfavourable enters the house? Or is it just our way of showing off prosperity? I don't know. I am still thinking about this.
Sunday, March 02, 2014
1. She goes crazy when she sees another human being she likes while on a walk. Imagine a dog standing on two legs and raring to go at you. Imagine me at the end of the leash in front of her, so she still heels. Sigh. Doesn't happen too often but happens at least once in every night walk.
2. A happy sight of a dog eating a biscuit. Wait it's not something you gave her and she just had a hearty dinner. Has happened a couple of times with her eating off another dogs bowl and with her accepting food from a watch man.
I'm too embarrassed by these two to go any further. Maybe sometime when I can say she's over this ill start writing about the other stuff. Right now, I am figuring out ways to stop my otherwise obedient, sweet dog from acting crazy.
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Unlike a new year resolution on the first of march, I resolve to write something for at least 20 minutes everyday. 10 mins for my blog and 10 mins perhaps in a secret diary. The former would be out here for viewing and I have to live with myself not giving out 10 mins of 24 hours to writing after committing in a public forum. Knowing me, I can't do that. I'll have to dish out something. Something is definitely better than nothing so here goes my resolution out in the public space. I am going to find the writer I lost and continue writing for myself.