Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
So my obsession with finishing Cipriano's series has been documented. Sometimes I wonder why I like it so much, especially given the gore. Still, lines like these, which come in The hatter is mad, make it worth the effort.
Everything has a cost. Yet no matter how much you pay, it still costs and costs. I want you to remember something, when it seems the costs are insurmountable, when it seems like something is impossible, the only way to press through it, the only way to become the victor when all seems lost is to change the rules. This is because if you want something bad enough, if you are willing to sacrifice it all, the universe will shift, if only for a moment, and truly spectacular things are possible. I'm going to force the universe to shift. It's about damn time the universe shifted.
I've this theory that evolution doesn't stop ever for an individual. You keep evolving with time and you reinvent who you are. Sometimes your basic qualities don't change and sometimes, things happen that make you question what was basic in the first place.
Do you truly have the luxury to question basic assumptions about yourself? Or are you so busy trying to hold the image you've created together? If you can get to know the real you, your fundamental building blocks become very obvious and you get a chance to actually go ahead and do something about who you could be.
If the masks are all peeled, what's left no matter how miniscule is the reality you have available to build on. Whether you build on top of the naked face, or hide under the masks, is your decision to make.
Monday, March 28, 2016
When I was a kid, I used to sleep in the first floor in a room I shared with my sister. Right outside my window, was this huge maramalli (tree Jasmine). Often our entire room would be filled with the strong smell of the Jasmine. Then, I was not observant enough to appreciate it. My head was full of thoughts and I was too preoccupied to appreciate what I had. I used to look at the tree on days I couldn't fall asleep (I've been a chronic insomniac).
After I went to Pilani, I actually missed the tree. There was no reassuring presence outside my window. Like most empty nesters, my parents remodeled the house and my bedroom became part of an office space. I never got to wake up to the tree again.
When we bought our house, I planted bamboos in the backyard so that they'd grow and I'll get to see green whenever I wake up(my bedroom faces the backyard). The bamboos grew beautifully and they offer me a very calming view every single day.
My fantasy, however was to have creepers. I'd placed them by the front of the house, but last year there was a huge insect attack and I had to cut the creepers. Funnily, it would always grow towards my neighbors balcony, maybe because they used to clean it very often and the water from that drain motivated it to grow that way.
Three years after we've moved, finally, today I noticed this malli in full bloom outside my library window. I've not been using my work space in a long time, so when I sat down today, I was pleasantly surprised by the fragrance of one of my favorite flowers. This gives me hope for better days to come and reminds me of cycles that are never tired of repeating.
I'm reading these series of urban fantasy books that's giving me nightmares. I know it's not light reading and that normally when you get a nightmare after reading something you stop. I can't because I'm trying to get over having them in the first place. I'm sick of waking up to bad dreams. It affects my sleep and my productivity.
Anyway, this series by my almost favorite author J.A.Cipriano(hopefully I got the spelling right. Too sleepy to Google and he's almost because Pratchett and Christie's ghosts might haunt me if I call anyone else favorite. ) has werewolves, ghosts and vampires masquerading in broad daylight in a bar that normal mortals also frequent.
The humans are never able to see the other world beings because of some glamour. Also because they don't want to. Often, I find this to be true in real life as well. You cannot really see what is in front of you for a lot of reasons. I'm listing a few here
1) You don't want it. You cannot recognize something you don't want even if it is something you need.
2) You think it's too good to be true. Haven't you ever had an opportunity you've passed because you thought it was too good to be true? Even though it was ideal for the situation?
3) You don't want to believe that something like this can happen. When things go wrong, you cling to your version of truth, because that either soothes your ego or helps you cope with a loss without accepting reality.
4) You are blinded. Mostly by biases of what ought to and what ought not to exist. If something is outside your acceptance level, then even if you see it, want it and accept it's possibility, you still won't act.
5) It's way beyond your imagination. This is different from point three, because there you have imagined it, but here, you really haven't. And unlike point one, this might not be something you need, but something you want
Hmmmm. I'm probably half out of my fear of the nightmares if, at 12, I'm able to write philosophy after reading a scene about the heroine massacring a werewolf and a vampire in a very gory fashion in a bar. (Of course the series has a heroine. How else can someone even come close to Pratchett??)
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Growing up, I had a diary. It had various names, largely influenced by the books I was reading at that point of my life. When in college, I discovered that you can make friends you can confide in and that they were better than a diary, which a very sneaky and determined sister can read.
Today, while waiting for our flight, I wanted to write something. As in, using a pen and paper. Don't ask me to rationalize my behavior for I very well can't. So I went to this cross word and got myself a journal and a pen. I've written quite a few things in it and I love this feeling of inking my emotions.
Friday, March 25, 2016
I remember one trip to Guruvayoor very vividly. We were waiting in the queue for a long time and I couldn't help but notice this really irritated family standing right next to us. If you want to wait to see your version of God, have patience. Else don't even make an attempt.
The father had two grown kids and had a shock of black hair on his head. I couldn't see his face from where I stood. His youthful hair surprised me.
After a while, he turned towards us and I could see a chest of white hair. To me, he looked comical. Unable to accept his age or hide it completely.
It's funny how we do things to hide our age, our intentions and our attitude. But often reality strips us naked and all the masks fall away. What remains then, the real you, is not easy to hide from. What would you do then? Face it or hide again despite knowing the truth?
Maybe you are ready for the acceptance, but the rest of the world is not. Then whether you want it or not, the mask is permanently fixed on your face.
I often feel that the seemingly inconsequential things I do, have far reaching consequences. Who I chose to meet, who I say something about my wishes to, when I decide to travel, how I decide to interact.. Seemingly tiny things have been like the famous butterfly wings triggering a series of events that have changed my life completely.
Sometimes when I do the smallest of things, I fantasize as to what would happen that can change my life.
These detailed images make me stop right in my tracks as they scare me so much. Is the fear something I should even give in to? Sigh.. The over active imagination of mine is as much a curse as it is a blessing.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Have you ever experienced the mist in the mountains? One minute everything is perfectly alright. The path is clear and your destination is visible. In a matter of seconds, you lose your sense of direction. Everything is the same, but still different. It seems far more pretty. It makes you lose your senses and you are caught in something potentially lethal.
I react to the mist differently each time. Sometimes, if I'm walking, I embrace it. I'm not in any hurry and it ties in with my mood. If I'm in a vehicle, it scares me. The loss of control is not something I like or accept.
How do you go on as if nothing has changed when everything is so dramatically different? Do you just remember the path and try to stick to it? Or do you find a safe spot and pause there? Or do you realise that this is a completely different path and change your course?
Like so many seemingly simple but possibly complicated decisions, this one keeps playing with my head. I hate the mist as much as I love it's embrace.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Limited spaces, limited growth
It was after all a tiny pond
Amidst the darker shades,
The bright flash of color stands out
Lonely, but still upright
Looking at the world as if to challenge
And say, break me if you can
The end will come
The beginning itself a miracle
I promise to enjoy and treasure this
While this lasts
The heart they say is like a monkey
Flirting with one idea after another
Sometimes fixating on one
That's worth all the effort
Perhaps, mine is a two headed monkey
The mature one looking behind
Unwilling to let go yet
The naïve hopeful one looking ahead
In love with the possibilities
Trying to convince life
That sometimes, the monkey is right.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
After what seemed like ages (close to two months),I went to a book shop today. Book worm in Church Street is one of my favorite places (they are shifting there. They were in brigade road earlier). Every time I go there, I discover something new.
This time around, I picked up a book by Ruskin Bond. I was enthralled by his description of life in harmony with nature and by the zillion things he observed. There was a story of a squirrel and a white rat in the book. The two end up having babies together. :)
The fact that the author noticed something so tiny, was what struck me. There is God present in even the smallest of things and often we don't notice his presence, because like the Python in the story, we're so obsessed with ourselves, our likes and dislikes.
Words live across decades. Can I in some way, create a world for people that will remind them of God in the smallest of things? Can I finally express myself without fear?
I might have written about this earlier, but today, I was reminded of my favorite t shirt again.
It has the image of a deer with a rocket launcher running behind a cheetah. My name means deer and I often think I'm like that deer. The one that confuses the cheetah and makes a predator run away from the prey. The hunter becomes the hunted.
Even in life, I've seen that happen with me. People who try to intimidate are often confused when I stop, arm myself and get ready to fight. If the conflict reaches a level they're unaware of how to handle, they just run away and leave me chasing. Sigh.
To everyone out there, remember this- the predators are not as invulnerable and they can and will be hunted down if you arm yourself.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I look into her eyes
Wondering when she replaced me
Who is this woman that stares back?
I don't understand her dreams
I don't accept her choices
She's on an auto pilot
Running around, like there's no today
Caring about a tomorrow that might never
See the light of the day..
Is this even me?
This lost little stranger in the mirror
Or is it a mask I've worn to hide?
Is it time to remove it?
Or is it time to accept a new reality?
From the depths of darkness,
I spot a ray of light
The cynic from a past life, thinks of the cliche
The romantic in me, rushes forth
Forgetting my form and environ
My eye keen on the prize
A moth I am, perhaps a butterfly someday,
Seeking solace in the warmth of a flame
How can conflicting poles come together?
Am I what I used to know?
Am I the adventurer all of a sudden?
Am I perhaps a firefly and not the butterfly?
The flame beckons
The chase awakening me
The prize a consequence
The experience, the ecstacy
Why do I seek the flame so?
Why do I want to burn?
Is it ecstacy or agony?
Can there be so much pleasure in pain?
Is the challenge of the unattainable the motive?
Are you an inspiration or a death knell?
Which of these two is worse:
Losing something you love so suddenly like a bolt out of the blue or watching something you love turn into something you can no longer stand? In the former, you have no means of knowing the inevitable end. You might some day have peace. In the latter, the stench of decay will cloud your perception of anything else that could have been.
Personally, the former is better. You can at least retain the illusion that everything was perfect and would have remained so. Illusion to keep company on the lonely nights when reality bites.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
The dark was never my friend
It stalked, it crept up on me
Caught me unawares
And refused to let me be
The lone light was my companion
My nightmares never truly disappearing
Fear was a constant
And every dawn a distant dream.
Life however has a funny habit
Of switching dreams and nightmares
How and why I know not,
Reason disappears to a world too far
Now, I embrace the night
For that's when I feel you
Just comfort me
Any nightmare I'll brave
If it helps me wake up
To a brand new dawn..
There it was
The almost undetectable rustle
Accompanied by another
I lift my head
A million warnings flash
I'd left them all behind
Wanting to explore
Wanting to stray
For the pleasure
Are you the predator?
Or are you my salvation
For reminding me of this feeling
This feeling of being alive..
You're right there,
Tightly coiled, waiting to pounce
I know not if it's going to be an embrace
Or complete annihilation.
I wander around
In a self induced stupor
All known paths unfamiliar
Everything equally confusing
I look behind me for solace
It's just hazy outlines I see
Is that joy, sorrow, anger?
Or is that an illusion?
Something blocks my view of the past..
Is it a thin wall I built
Or is it a mist that he sent
To help me forget?
I can only wonder
Move forward I force myself
But my path is unclear
The fear builds up
I fall back on a hard ground
Looking up to search
In the persistent stars
Then I see them,
My constant companions
Through my last hardship
The hunter and his dog
A sliver of hope embraces me
In the grand scale,
I'm but a tiny dot
Significant to me
But insignificant enough to merit
A brand new start
I know I'll work for it every single day
Living each day
Just because I still want to
Just because I can
Just because that's how fighters are
I kiss the hunter
Thanking him for his wisdom and for the hope
Sunday, March 13, 2016
I've a thing for words. I'm in love with them. Can't get enough of them- whether it is books or conversations or even what I myself write.
Today, I was reading a pretty intense book when a few sentences just hit my heart with an almost physical force.
"Sometimes there are things that are just plain wrong, things that need to be avenged because if they aren't, they will seep into us and change us. That is how a good man dies. Not through one terrible act but with one tiny transgression after another" - J.A.Ciprian in Cursed
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Today, is the birthday of one of my dear friends, who is as irritating as he's sensible. I've known him for almost eight years now and both of us have changed so much over the years. Still, we are able to connect and converse for hours, no matter how long it is since we last spoke.
Our lifestyles, our careers, our focus - a lot has changed over the years, but who we basically are, hasn't.
It's nice to have conversations that are honest with no judgements, no doubts - just understanding and acceptance.
It's not easy and I'm so thankful for people like this in my life. Happy birthday scene party. :)
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Water is a very beautiful thing to behold. I love the waves. Even when the smell of the sea that makes me feel sick hits me. I just get used to it and stand watching the waves.
I love the waves. Given a choice, I would live by the sea shore and just keep watching them all day. The heat doesn't bother me when I get to feel the waves.
The waves destroy my sand castles, but I still love them.
They can destroy me completely if they choose to, but that does not help diminish my awe of them.
Sometimes I wonder, is a thing of beauty,to be always relished or should you fear it? Can you actually relish something while fearing it?
Am I the person who will shy away from something just because it is scary? Or Am I the person that will embrace the scary as I want to live my life? Or will I acknowledge the scary, and still embrace life as savoring a few things is worth all the risk? (This is why I dont look at pictures. I start writing. :) )
Wednesday, March 09, 2016
It's funny how associations change over a period of time. Take the letter L for example. When I was a kid, L was for lion. Then, when I first became infatuated, L was for love. Teenage can be as magical as it was cruel.
Later, when the philosopher in me started expressing herself, L was for life. When I was depressed, L was low. Now, as I lie down thinking about my life, love and my lows, I realized that right now, L was Laika.
Perhaps in living with her, despite the lows and the lies, I feel so alive and loved and that way all the Ls come together thanks to my lioness. :)
Often I wonder, how do I remain eternal? Is it even possible? Are we ideas that never die or are we mere experiments being conducted by a higher being?
I realize that a lot of my decisions are being driven by my need or craving for success. Success that actually keeps redefining itself. Should I stop striving or should I focus on leaving a piece of me behind?
If I'm not even going to be around to see it prosper, then what's the point? Or, will I live on because a piece of me remains? Maybe I should be banned from thinking for too long as I ask more questions than I care to answer.
Have you ever noticed,
Those wind kissed leaves?
The ones that are found in the fringes
That are tattered and torn
And still clinging on
To the branches they call home
They were placed that way,
But they brave the wind..
They know they'll fall,
Perhaps they don't..
But I see some that persevere
While a lot fall,
As death does come ultimately,
These live, they love,
They kiss the wind and then die,
Maybe happy, maybe emotionless
But they remind me- that brave the wind I must
For my destiny is to live
And not just fade away.
My destiny is to claim
The kiss of the wind of life