Thursday, March 31, 2016

Realizations with a war torn mouth

My mouth looks like a war zone. There are boils in most places and I have spent majority of the last three days feeling sorry for myself, making mewling noises (I have not been able to talk as there are boils in my tongue!! So instead of shouting when angry, i make noises hoping someone interprets them) and basically living in the bed - either sleeping or working ( I will go crazy if I do not work).

Anyway, this war torn mouth has made me realize a few things: 

1. Family endures and half the recovery is because of them. My mom is awesome. She just sat with me and continued working so I didnt get all cranky and as usual she refused to indulge my tantrums. 
2. Sometimes, even things which look tempting, are anything but. I was so tempted to have some rasam rice and palak paneer. But I had exactly three spoons and I couldnt eat any more. 
3. It is fun to have good friends who remember which specific delusion you are suffering from. Even if they find your theory about diseases weird, they listen to you, then ask you to shut up and go to a real Doctor. :)
4. It is ok to eat egg. I had to give in finally as this B12 deficiency has scared me. Three days of feeling helpless and tired is all I can handle. Boiled eggs? Bring it on!

Now that I have ranted in the blogspace about being sick, I can go back to whatever I was doing in peace.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

When the storm clouds clear

Often, when we are confused, we do things that we would not have done normally. Now, I dont think this is a sign of weakness, because the thought still belongs to you and I am someone who thinks that the thought is as bad/as good as the act.(please dont get into an argument over this. I have a theory on parallel universes where your deepest thoughts manifest and you are up to no good in that one anyway. Blame Sandman and his too real nightmares for this)

I have been doing a lot of abnormal things lately (normal for me as my friend keeps remarking) and today, while I was reading Lillim's attempts to kill the Lord of Death, I realized that ultimately, I needed the experience to realize that what I have, is as good as it is going to get. Now, for someone as insanely driven as me, accepting that something is good enough is a big deal. I have finally accepted it. It can definitely become better, but only by itself (all that energy is not going away so easily!). 

Not by including something else from outside. This phase of my life, is called "Defining a new perfection"

I know that a few of my sins are waiting to come back and bite me in bum when I least expect them to, but given how life keeps making me grow up and wear big girl pants, I think, I will survive. 

Looking at the way Laika stares into my eyes, I am convinced, I did something right, not too long ago. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Wisdom in unlikely corners

So my obsession with finishing Cipriano's series has been documented. Sometimes I wonder why I like it so much, especially given the gore. Still, lines like these, which come in The hatter is mad, make it worth the effort.

Everything has a cost. Yet no matter how much you pay, it still costs and costs. I want you to remember something, when it seems the costs are insurmountable, when it seems like something is impossible, the only way to press through it, the only way to become the victor when all seems lost is to change the rules. This is because if you want something bad enough, if you are willing to sacrifice it all, the universe will shift, if only for a moment, and truly spectacular things are possible. I'm going to force the universe to shift. It's about damn time the universe shifted.

Constant evolution

I've this theory that evolution doesn't stop ever for an individual. You keep evolving with time and you reinvent who you are. Sometimes your basic qualities don't change and sometimes, things happen that make you question what was basic in the first place.
Do you truly have the luxury to question basic assumptions about yourself? Or are you so busy trying to hold the image you've created together? If you can get to know the real you, your fundamental building blocks become very obvious and you get a chance to actually go ahead and do something about who you could be.
If the masks are all peeled, what's left no matter how miniscule is the reality you have available to build on. Whether you build on top of the naked face, or hide under the masks, is your decision to make.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Of mallis and memories

When I was a kid, I used to sleep in the first floor in a room I shared with my sister. Right outside my window, was this huge maramalli (tree Jasmine). Often our entire room would be filled with the strong smell of the Jasmine. Then, I was not observant enough to appreciate it. My head was full of thoughts and I was too preoccupied to appreciate what I had. I used to look at the tree on days I couldn't fall asleep (I've been a chronic insomniac).

After I went to Pilani, I actually missed the tree. There was no reassuring presence outside my window. Like most empty nesters, my parents remodeled the house and my bedroom became part of an office space. I never got to wake up to the tree again.

When we bought our house, I planted bamboos in the backyard so that they'd grow and I'll get to see green whenever I wake up(my bedroom faces the backyard). The bamboos grew beautifully and they offer me a very calming view every single day.

My fantasy, however was to have creepers. I'd placed them by the front of the house, but last year there was a huge insect attack and I had to cut the creepers. Funnily, it would always grow towards my neighbors balcony, maybe because they used to clean it very often and the water from that drain motivated it to grow that way.

Three years after we've moved, finally, today I noticed this malli in full bloom outside my library window. I've not been using my work space in a long time, so when I sat down today, I was pleasantly surprised by the fragrance of one of my favorite flowers. This gives me hope for better days to come and reminds me of cycles that are never tired of repeating.

Of Gore fest induced philosophy

I'm reading these series of urban fantasy books that's giving me nightmares. I know it's not light reading and that normally when you get a nightmare after reading something you stop. I can't because I'm trying to get over having them in the first place. I'm sick of waking up to bad dreams. It affects my sleep and my productivity.

Anyway, this series by my almost favorite author  J.A.Cipriano(hopefully I got the spelling right. Too sleepy to Google and he's almost because Pratchett and Christie's ghosts might haunt me if I call anyone else favorite. ) has werewolves, ghosts and vampires masquerading in broad daylight in a bar that normal mortals also frequent.

The humans are never able to see the other world beings because of some glamour. Also because they don't want to. Often, I find this to be true in real life as well. You cannot really see what is in front of you for a lot of reasons. I'm listing a few here
1) You don't want it. You cannot recognize something you don't want even if it is something you need.
2) You think it's too good to be true. Haven't you ever had an opportunity you've passed because you thought it was too good to be true? Even though it was ideal for the situation?
3) You don't want to believe that something like this can happen. When things go wrong, you cling to your version of truth, because that either soothes your ego or helps you cope with a loss without accepting reality.
4) You are blinded. Mostly by biases of what ought to and what ought not to exist. If something is outside your acceptance level, then even if you see it, want it and accept it's possibility, you still won't act.
5) It's way beyond your imagination. This is different from point three, because there you have imagined it, but here, you really haven't. And unlike point one, this might not be something you need, but something you want

Hmmmm.  I'm probably half out of my fear of the nightmares if, at 12, I'm able to write philosophy after reading a scene about the heroine massacring a werewolf and a vampire in a very gory fashion in a bar. (Of course the series has a heroine. How else can someone even come close to Pratchett??)

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Dear diary

Growing up, I had a diary. It had various names, largely influenced by the books I was reading at that point of my life. When in college, I discovered that you can make friends you can confide in and that they were better than a diary, which a very sneaky and determined sister can read.
Today, while waiting for our flight, I wanted to write something. As in, using a pen and paper. Don't ask me to rationalize my behavior for I very well can't. So I went to this cross word and got myself a journal and a pen. I've written quite a few things in it and I love this feeling of inking my emotions.

Friday, March 25, 2016

The real you

I remember one trip to Guruvayoor very vividly. We were waiting in the queue for a long time and I couldn't help but notice this really irritated family standing right next to us. If you want to wait to see your version of God, have patience. Else don't even make an attempt.

The father had two grown kids and had a shock of black hair on his head. I couldn't see his face from where I stood. His youthful hair surprised me.

After a while, he turned towards us and I could see a chest of white hair. To me, he looked comical. Unable to accept his age or hide it completely.

It's funny how we do things to hide our age, our intentions and our attitude. But often reality strips us naked and all the masks fall away. What remains then, the real you, is not easy to hide from. What would you do then? Face it or hide again despite knowing the truth?

Maybe you are ready for the acceptance, but the rest of the world is not. Then whether you want it or not, the mask is permanently fixed on your face.

The butterfly effect

I often feel that the seemingly inconsequential things I do, have far reaching consequences. Who I chose to meet, who I say something about my wishes to, when I decide to travel, how I decide to interact.. Seemingly tiny things have been like the famous butterfly wings triggering a series of events that have changed my life completely.

Sometimes when I do the smallest of things, I fantasize as to what would happen that can change my life.

These detailed images make me stop right in my tracks as they scare me so much. Is the fear something I should even give in to? Sigh.. The over active imagination of mine is as much a curse as it is a blessing.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

The thrill of the chase

You know that person that wakes up every single day wanting to achieve something? The one usually called a fiend for their working style? The one that just cannot stop going on and on and is just restless all the time? That is me. Your typical hardworking, in love with the chase individual. (Only time I relax is when I am reading. Even then, I am reading multiple books. I finished 8 books one weekend this month)

Now, I cannot let go of anything I set my mind to. I think about it night and day, forsaking food and sleep in a few cases, because these things just do not matter when something else is out there, that is waiting to be done. I am obsessive and everyone around me knows how crazy I can get when I am on one of my projects. It could be something at work, training my dog, cleaning the house or even writing something. 

There is one problem with the chase. It ends. One way or the other. Either I get what I want or I realize I will never get what I want. Here is the funny thing. After either outcome, I take a tiny break and then start all over again, with some new goal. My obsessions and addictions are so temporary and fleeting. (Could be something I worked towards for years as well, but in a long run, everything is so tiny no?)

Is it such a bad thing to be always chasing something? Or like my friend says, should I actually find something that drives me all through my life? Writing has been something I have loved and hated over the years. So, perhaps, that is the chase that will continue to thrill me and every other thing is a means to that end. Perhaps, that will change.

I seem to have wondered about the same thing three years ago. It is eerie that I have not changed an iota in all these years in this aspect. Yeah, butterfly, flit around and have fun. 

Like Tolstoy says, "Pleasure lies not in discovering truth but in seeking it" 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

The mist

Have you ever experienced the mist in the mountains? One minute everything is perfectly alright. The path is clear and your destination is visible. In a matter of seconds, you lose your sense of direction. Everything is the same, but still different. It seems far more pretty.  It makes you lose your senses and you are caught in something potentially lethal.

I react to the mist differently each time. Sometimes, if I'm walking, I embrace it. I'm not in any hurry and it ties in with my mood. If I'm in a vehicle, it scares me. The loss of control is not something I like or accept.

How do you go on as if nothing has changed when everything is so dramatically different? Do you just remember the path and try to stick to it? Or do you find a safe spot and pause there? Or do you realise that this is a completely different path and change your course?

Like so many seemingly simple but possibly complicated decisions, this one keeps playing with my head. I hate the mist as much as I love it's embrace.

Why I dont drink

I have been questioned time and again, by friends and foes alike on my decision to not drink or smoke. It is not like I cannot afford the habit and given how progressive I am supposed to be, they are surprised by my decision to stay away from the bottle. Smoking is not something I think sensible people who want to smell good should consider. (Leave alone people kissing them. Yuck!) You want to look sexy, pose with a cigarette. Why do you want to kill your lungs you moron?!

Ok, that said, I am going back to the selected topic (inspired by my conversation with someone who wants to "introduce me to something he is passionate about"), I thought I would list 6 reasons I do not drink. 

1. It does not entice me. I am not very good at relaxing or sitting still. Putting my leg up and relaxing with a drink is not a vision that entices me. Eating an ice cream or reading a book or looking into the eyes of my dog, well those things do. 

2. All that sugar! Just the thought of pumping myself with so much sugar turns me off. This is the wannabe healthy me speaking. Since I already have sugar heavy indulgences, I don't have to add one more to it. 

3. I am mostly going to get bashed for this, but in my personal opinion, people who need to have a drink to hang out, are usually not that much fun without it. They shed their inhibitions only when the drink is around. Rather use the drink as an excuse. Otherwise, they are very boring conversationalists. I fall in love with words and the people that can utter sensible ones or atleast interesting ones. Usually, people who need a drink to converse or get over their inhibitions end up being extremely boring. Not my kind of interesting rather. 

4. I am high on life. Most of the time, I am really high on life. I love most things I do and go for it with a passion that often scares folks around me. So why should I drink for getting that high?

5. There are too many other poisons I have not gone through. So many things to eat, so many things to do. I dont have the time

6. Why should I? What am I going to get out of this exercise that something I am doing already wont give me? 

Perhaps my decision was driven by a bias I had. But thinking about it, if I question this bias, it questions an integral part of me that I am really not sure if I should. Because if I do, it is going to change a lot of things about my life which I might end up changing without a second thought if this and a few other biases are removed. Just because I can. 

The last day

If today is all I have..
What would I do then?
Would I be where I am?
Doing what I am doing right now?

If I remove the fear of consequence,
Would my reality and fantasy merge?
Is that a merger I seek?
Should fantasies remain in that realm?

Or should I just grab life with both my hands
and embrace it

All consequences can be faced
All rewards reaped
on a day that might never come to be

For today, let me just live
and feel alive..

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Chance encounters

The hunter and the dog
Loiter around helped by the moon lit sky
They are out, just to have fun
The experience, the thrill is all that they seek
The companionship all they need

Uncrowned rulers, they stake their claim
On every single thing they see..
Then they spy a kindred soul
Predator or prey?

Unsure at first, they step closer
It knows not fear
It recognize a fellow predator
and continues to watch
unaffected..

The staring match finally ends
Each walking away
Fully aware of another presence
Perhaps a companion
For another moon lit night
Perhaps a chance acquaintance
Never to be seen again




Indulgence

Let us say there is this tasty morsel right in front of you. It is mouth watering, guilt free indulgence. All you have to do is just ask and it is yours. You are hungry, you have not eaten anything in a bit, but there is a possibility that something healthy, something you are familiar with, might be available in a bit. 

What do you do? Do you just indulge? Or do you hold on and perhaps starve for a little longer? I was on a crazy diet, so I could not indulge often, but now, I want to indulge on something special once in a while. Am I being a glutton for punishment perhaps because it is not good for me? Or Am I being true to myself and eating something rather than keep wanting something I am punishing myself by not having? I dont know. 

Sunday, I had a really awesome bar of icecream in Ibaco. It was everything I ever wanted. I now am craving for it again, but I know that it is not going to magically turn up whenever I seek it. Perhaps, that was my last bar of icecream. Perhaps, it was not. But the thought of it makes me happy right now. Because, I indulged. Not because I watched from a distance. How can I get diet gurus to include this as part of a diet plan? 

Hope

Just a quick thought - sometimes, the ray of light you see even through the darkest of clouds can keep you going no matter how strong the storm is. Is that what kept human beings around for so long? What about those that we lost because they didnt know when to stop and literally killed themselves by over working? Is Optimism a good thing or not? 

Is the individual but a growing jigsaw?

I am a strong believer in the adage that everything happens for a reason. Even if I am down in the dumps, I always come back convinced that regrets dont help and that every single thing that has happened, has happened for me a) to either get to know myself better or b) to appreciate my life, or c)to know who my friends are or d)to make me stronger. I used to think I am cynical (which perhaps I am), but I am a philosopher and an optimist more than anything else. So shoot me if I am not upset about something I ought to be upset about. 

I have been taking a few hard decisions over the past few weeks/months. In some cases, they question my fundamental understanding of who I am and what I really like vs. what I think I like. For someone who used to think that I really knew what I wanted, accepting that perhaps that was not what was ideal for me in the first place is a very difficult thing. But then, can i regret either what I wanted or what I had or what I want and what I have or what I am ready to sacrifice for what I will have?I really cannot. When I look at the whole picture, I have to accept that if I did not want what I wanted then, I would not have had what I had; and without that, I would not have known what more I wanted and I cannot get, what I have or what I will get. Makes sense? 

It will if you think of a painting. The inter relationship between the colors is so very essential for the final work. 

Or of a constantly growing jigsaw puzzle with many straight edges. We make sense of the jigsaw by creating the outer ring first. That is so much easier right? But what if the jigsaw puzzle has a lot of such straight sides - even in the middle of the puzzle? That is how life is. It keeps becoming bigger and better and what was once an area of focus just fades away. You cant help having focused on it, because without the focus, there is no completion at that point. But thats not the only thing. The picture grows. You as an individual, the jigsaw, keep growing and becoming different. Accept it and move on. Stop contemplating the what was, what could have been. There are so many things coming up, in the unique tapestry that is your life.

You want to add regrets to the mix? You are welcome to that, but that really does not help in anything except slow you down and take your eyes off the prize. 

Like Richard Bach says in Illusions, ""You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them. You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past."

(Maybe I should stop contemplating so much. :)) 

Sunday, March 20, 2016

The water lily

Limited spaces, limited growth
It was after all a tiny pond
Amidst the darker shades,
The bright flash of color stands out
Lonely, but still upright

Looking at the world as if to challenge
And say, break me if you can
The end will come
The beginning itself a miracle
I promise to enjoy and treasure this
While this lasts

Two headed monkey

The heart they say is like a monkey
Flirting with one idea after another
Sometimes fixating on one
That's worth all the effort

Perhaps, mine is a two headed monkey
The mature one looking behind
Unwilling to let go yet

The naïve hopeful one looking ahead
In love with the possibilities
Trying to convince life
That sometimes, the monkey is right.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

God in small things

After what seemed like ages (close to two months),I went to a book shop today. Book worm in Church Street is one of my favorite places (they are shifting there. They were in brigade road earlier). Every time I go there, I discover something new.

This time around, I picked up a book by Ruskin Bond. I was enthralled by his description of life in harmony with nature and by the zillion things he observed. There was a story of a squirrel and a white rat in the book. The two end up having babies together. :)

The fact that the author noticed something so tiny, was what struck me. There is God present in even the smallest of things and often we don't notice his presence, because like the Python in the story, we're so obsessed with ourselves, our likes and dislikes.

Words live across decades. Can I in some way, create a world for people that will remind them of God in the smallest of things? Can I finally express myself without fear?

Roles reversed

I might have written about this earlier, but today, I was reminded of my favorite t shirt again.
It has the image of a deer with a rocket launcher running behind a cheetah. My name means deer and I often think I'm like that deer. The one that confuses the cheetah and makes a predator run away from the prey. The hunter becomes the hunted.

Even in life, I've seen that happen with me. People who try to intimidate are often confused when I stop, arm myself and get ready to fight. If the conflict reaches a level they're unaware of how to handle, they just run away and leave me chasing. Sigh.

To everyone out there, remember this- the predators are not as invulnerable and they can and will be hunted down if you arm yourself.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Stranger in the mirror

I look into her eyes
Wondering when she replaced me
Who is this woman that stares back?
I don't understand her dreams
I don't accept her choices
She's on an auto pilot
Running around, like there's no today
Caring about a tomorrow that might never
See the light of the day..

Is this even me?
This lost little stranger in the mirror
Or is it a mask I've worn to hide?

Is it time to remove it?
Or is it time to accept a new reality?

Ecstacy

From the depths of darkness,
I spot a ray of light
The cynic from a past life, thinks of the cliche
The romantic in me, rushes forth
Forgetting my form and environ
My eye keen on the prize

A moth I am, perhaps a butterfly someday,
Seeking solace in the warmth of a flame
How can conflicting poles come together?
Am I what I used to know?
Am I the adventurer all of a sudden?
Am I perhaps a firefly and not the butterfly?

The flame beckons
The chase awakening me
The prize a consequence
The experience, the ecstacy

Why do I seek the flame so?
Why do I want to burn?
Is it ecstacy or agony?
Can there be so much pleasure in pain?
Is the challenge of the unattainable the motive?
Are you an inspiration or a death knell?

What is worse?

Which of these two is worse:

Losing something you love so suddenly like a bolt out of the blue or watching something you love turn into something you can no longer stand? In the former, you have no means of knowing the inevitable end. You might some day have peace. In the latter, the stench of decay will cloud your perception of anything else that could have been.

Personally, the former is better. You can at least retain the illusion that everything was perfect and would have remained so. Illusion to keep company on the lonely nights when reality bites.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Like vs. Love

I often wondered, what is more important? Is it important to like someone or to love someone despite them not being necessarily likeable?

One thing I have come to accept over the years is that if you dont like someone you love, you are going down a crazy path you should not have been on in the first place. It is not always something you can help. There are a couple of people I really love, but who I cannot like. I dont want to be with them, but I also want to. It is such a painful process when I consciously think about it. 

How do you correct someone you love, but who has become quite unlikeable over a period of time? If you had given importance to actually watching for the flaws as they take root, then it would have been easier. You are not in a position to correct all the time too. That is the unfortunate tragedy. 

I run into quite a few cases of there not being a correction because you are supposed to love someone unconditionally and accept them. Acceptance is necessary, but without correction and an attempt to make someone likeable, it does not serve the purpose any more.

Monday, March 14, 2016

The embrace

The dark was never my friend
It stalked, it crept up on me
Caught me unawares
And refused to let me be

The lone light was my companion
My nightmares never truly disappearing
Fear was a constant
And every dawn a distant dream.

Life however has a funny habit
Of switching dreams and nightmares
How and why I know not,
Reason disappears to a world too far

Now, I embrace the night
For that's when I feel you
Just comfort me
Any nightmare I'll brave
If it helps me wake up
To a brand new dawn..

The deers song

There it was
The almost undetectable rustle
Accompanied by another
I lift my head
A million warnings flash
I'd left them all behind
Wanting to explore
Wanting to stray
For the pleasure

Are you the predator?
Or are you my salvation
For reminding me of this feeling
This feeling of being alive..

You're right there,
Tightly coiled, waiting to pounce
I know not if it's going to be an embrace
Or complete annihilation.

The common thread

I am blessed with a lot of friends. People who have stuck with me through thick and thin (no mean task, I assure you, given how thick and how thin I have gotten over the years). The funny part is, every one of them is very different from the other. Be it their patience levels or their hobbies, how they view life and of course the usual age and gender - the list can go on. Not all of them get along with each other too.

Given my current state of constant contemplation, a few questions were stuck in my head like a splinter that would not go away. Why did some relationships last over the years? Especially with people who were so different from me? And why did some seemingly good ones sizzle out before the spark got a chance to propagate? These with ones who were supposedly a lot like me (in terms of background)

After a few days of thought, I realized irrespective of their differences,all my friends had a few things in common. The first one - was their wit. Their ability to laugh at themselves, the world in general and at life. They got my jokes. 

No matter what happened and how things were, they never lost it. 

The second thing, irrespective of their style of delivery - whether they did it diplomatically or without any sugar coating or with a deadpan expression, whether they did it emotionally or with a scientific mindset, they always called a spade a spade. 

Then, the third thing, whether they loved their job or hated it, they did justice to it. 

Finally, I think, just think, that I seem to have figured it out. I wont be surprised (given how my life has been going) if I make a discovery that will throw this hypothesis out the wind. Whether it is an exception or a rule is something that I will deal with on a case by case basis. 

Wisdom from the stars

I wander around
In a self induced stupor
All known paths unfamiliar
Everything equally confusing

I look behind me for solace
It's just hazy outlines I see
Is that joy, sorrow, anger?
Or is that an illusion?
Something blocks my view of the past..
Is it a thin wall I built
Or is it a mist that he sent
To help me forget?
I can only wonder

Move forward I force myself
But my path is unclear
The fear builds up
Almost suffocating
I fall back on a hard ground
Looking up to search
In the persistent stars
Then I see them,
My constant companions
Through my last hardship
The hunter and his dog

A sliver of hope embraces me
In the grand scale,
I'm but a tiny dot
Significant to me
But insignificant enough to merit
A brand new start

I know I'll work for it every single day
Living each day
Just because I still want to
Just because I can
Just because that's how fighters are

I kiss the hunter
Thanking him for his wisdom and for the hope

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Why I love words

I've a thing for words. I'm in love with them. Can't get enough of them- whether it is books or conversations or even what I myself write.

Today, I was reading a pretty intense book when a few sentences just hit my heart with an almost physical force.

"Sometimes there are things that are just plain wrong, things that need to be avenged because if they aren't, they will seep into us and change us. That is how a good man dies. Not through one terrible act but with one tiny transgression after another" - J.A.Ciprian in Cursed

Saturday, March 12, 2016

A tribute

Today, is the birthday of one of my dear friends, who is as irritating as he's sensible. I've known him for almost eight years now and both of us have changed so much over the years. Still, we are able to connect and converse for hours, no matter how long it is since we last spoke.

Our lifestyles, our careers, our focus - a lot has changed over the years, but who we basically are, hasn't.

It's nice to have conversations that are honest with no judgements, no doubts - just understanding and acceptance.

It's not easy and I'm so thankful for people like this in my life. Happy birthday scene party. :)

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Arundathi - the form and the conflicting idea

In South Indian marriages, you are asked to look for the star Arundathi once you tie the knot. Arundathi, I was told was the chaste wife of Vashishta who was very loyal and they expected the women who marry and find her in the sky to be as loyal and chaste as her.

Given my favorite concept of form and idea - that a lot of ideas are given a form so that people can easily follow them and over a period of time, the idea is lost but the form remains, irrelevant, still largely followed. 

Arundathi is the morning star. She forms a double star (Alcor and Mizar). Now, while they are visible to the naked eye, what is interesting about this pair of stars is that, they move together, but independent of each other. Any relationship - not just marriage, should be between individuals, who move together and who are equals. Often the heartache and the problem is because the movement is too fast, too slow, in another plane all together or because of inequality. 

I hope and pray that someday, we remember the idea and not the form. 

A thing of beauty

Water is a very beautiful thing to behold. I love the waves. Even when the smell of the sea that makes me feel sick hits me. I just get used to it and stand watching the waves. 

I love the waves. Given a choice, I would live by the sea shore and just keep watching them all day. The heat doesn't bother me when I get to feel the waves. 

The waves destroy my sand castles, but I still love them. 

They can destroy me completely if they choose to, but that does not help diminish my awe of them. 

Sometimes I wonder, is a thing of beauty,to be always relished or should you fear it? Can you actually relish something while fearing it?

Am I the person who will shy away from something just because it is scary? Or Am I the person that will embrace the scary as I want to live my life? Or will I acknowledge the scary, and still embrace life as savoring a few things is worth all the risk? (This is why I dont look at pictures. I start writing. :) )

Conventions

We are all bound by conventions - of one type or another. Our biases and our way of getting things done, manifest in multiple ways every single day, every single moment of our lives. 

My problem with conventions - they were created as a mode of self preservation for someone from another time. Or they were products of a mass hysteria where a majority of the population realized, they could not do something a small minority did and decided to call it an anamoly. Or worse still, they were carefully squeezed into the system by a very smart minority that wanted the majority to remain dumb. The closet feminist in me screams that a lot of them were put in place by men to control women. 

Now, I don't like listening to something that judgmental because the convention I choose to believe in, is equality.

Half the times, we cannot recognize that what we do is actually because it is conventional. An image of how things ought to be rather than how we want them to be. Social, personal, professional, familial conventions arise like invisible bars and imprison us from acting on our emotions. The emotions themselves are so carefully doctored in the first place. 

Most of the conventions that I recognize, bring out the beast in me. Conventions about women being natural nurturers, conventions around how much of ambition is a good thing, conventions around who you ought to fall in love with and even when, who you ought to live with, even how you should interact with people. 

When I was much younger, fresh out of school, my exposure to the world in general was limited. I have to admit, I was a pretty naive and traditional, despite my conviction that I was different. Spending time in a beautiful place that became my home for four years, changed my attitude and made me appreciate and embrace myself - the process of discovery was painful as I first had to get rid of a lot of my preconceived notions.

One of those - how you interact with men and who you befriend. People who have bad habits are bad. The problem was the person, not the habit (I still dont like smoking or drinking - think it exhibits a weakness, that will become a separate post by itself) .

The first guy friend I made, who I could confide anything in and not feel awkward about, made me realize that once you remove flirting from the picture, you can actually be friends with a guy. There are men out there, who are man enough (for lack of a better phrase) to know how to behave. Thanks to him and a few others I met, it is now very difficult to unsettle me with supposedly weird or inappropriate comments. After all, things are as appropriate as you want them to be. Who I am is much more than who someone sees me as.

Right now, I am looking to do something unconventional. I dont want to talk about it for fear of jinxing it. As I evaluate it, the one thing that I realize is, while conventions anger me, they provide a much needed solace to a few I have come to care about. So in my breaking free, I might cause some pain. Is the freedom worth the price of the pain? Am I being considerate? Or am I escaping from one set of chains to only be bound by a new set of chains, one far more painful as I can actually feel them every single minute of the day?

Heaven or Damnation?

In the flames that flicker
In the words that soothe
In the music that heals
In the wind that blows
I feel you..

I know not why,
I know not how, 
But I do know that now
more than ever
I feel alive

The night is darkest before dawn,
There is calm before a storm
There candle brightest before death..
Is this surge of life such?
Am i watching my doom?
Or is it a new destiny?

Too many questions, 
too many patterns
The line between reality and fantasy blurs..
And I cant help but wonder - 
Do you sense them too?
Do you know and accept 
what I am not yet able to?

Am I walking down
the stairway to hell?
Or are these the steps to my Heaven?
Could they be the same?

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Associations

It's funny how associations change over a period of time. Take the letter L for example. When I was a kid, L was for lion. Then, when I first became infatuated, L was for love. Teenage can be as magical as it was cruel.

Later, when the philosopher in me started expressing herself, L was for life. When I was depressed, L was low. Now, as I lie down thinking about my life, love and my lows, I realized that right now, L was Laika.

Perhaps in living with her, despite the lows and the lies, I feel so alive and loved and that way all the Ls come together thanks to my lioness. :)

A piece of me

Often I wonder, how do I remain eternal? Is it even possible? Are we ideas that never die or are we mere experiments being conducted by a higher being?

I realize that a lot of my decisions are being driven by my need or craving for success. Success that actually keeps redefining itself. Should I stop striving or should I focus on leaving a piece of me behind?

If I'm not even going to be around to see it prosper, then what's the point? Or, will I live on because a piece of me remains? Maybe I should be banned from thinking for too long as I ask more questions than I care to answer.

Wind kissed leaves

Have you ever noticed,
Those wind kissed leaves?
The ones that are found in the fringes
That are tattered and torn
And still clinging on
To the branches they call home
They were placed that way,
But they brave the wind..

They know they'll fall,
Perhaps they don't..
But I see some that persevere

While a lot fall,
As death does come ultimately,
These live, they love,
They kiss the wind and then die,
Maybe happy, maybe emotionless
But they remind me- that brave the wind I must
For my destiny is to live
And not just fade away.

My destiny is to claim
The kiss of the wind of life

Meaning in madness

I wander, looking for that elusive meaning and often wonder, what is it that I'm actually looking for.
You know the feeling, when a lot of things and thoughts  don't make sense and you are scared that you might make a mistake, as the constant confusion and uncertainty is new?
The butterflies in your stomach don't settle easily. What do you do then?
Take a risk, that can change life the way you know it and give you that rush, that feeling of being alive and young? Or do you just remain rational and not do anything drastic?
For me, a change often leads to a long and a very interesting discovery process. Often, I end up finding a piece of myself that I never knew existed. Perhaps that's how I find meaning in madness. Change, evolve, move on.

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Under the starlit sky

I wandered all alone and lost
Unsure of what I was looking for
Mountains I had climbed too fast
Hurdles I had jumped over
All started taking a toll

I watched the world go by
and wondered where my path lead
As dusk turned to dark
Perhaps all hope was lost

Then I saw the star lit sky
I felt my soul lighten
Maybe, just maybe, there was a silver lining
Perhaps a few magic words were all i needed