Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Pursuit

You can't hold what ain't yours
You can't let go of what could be
Caught between a rock and a hard place
You wonder
Is pursuit such a bad thing?
Is safety such an essential?

Jumping from a trapeze
Without a safety net
I watch as the hand reaches out
I close my eyes
Unwilling to know the outcome

An experiment

Maxi, that's the name of the stray that lives near our new house. I befriended her yesterday and funnily, it was Zoya who tried to attack her when we were out walking. After the few second battle, I went to check on Maxi and she looked ok, Zoya madam was unperturbed. Today morning, Maxi avoided my devils and walked away. 

In the long run, befriending her is what I think will be the solution to a peaceful existence. I am going to order extra biscuits just to feed her and remain in her packs good books. They are lovely dogs and in a way, this is an opportunity for me to indulge in my fantasy of having a huge pack of dogs. :)

Inspiration

I am a huge fan of new beginnings. For a few minutes, you will see me crib about the change, but after the change actually happens, you will see a very different me. We have made a really big change in life now and I am super excited about the possibilities. Usually, my attachment to material things and places is temporary. I care for them as long as I can and then will let them be. 

Maybe, I need these experiences to indulge my creative side. Without these, I wouldn't have much to express in the first place. :) 


Monday, May 30, 2016

Walking in the rain

I cycled after ages today. And as though to applaud it, it started raining right in the middle of the route. We finished 3km of cycling, paused for sometime under a tender coconut shed, took a few photographs like a bunch of kids and finally gave up waiting for the rain to stop and walked all the way home. It was really fun and the small joys of life are far more fulfilling than all the big ones put together. :)

 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Confusion

There's this stray near this place we've moved to. She's very friendly and sweet. Has her pack of four pups too. Now the problem is, she doesn't like Laika and Zoya walking around. I'm not sure how to deal with her trying to snap at them. I'm thinking I'll have to ask someone for help with this before something nasty happens. I don't want to accidently hurt her in my attempt to keep my dogs safe. Also,i don't want my inaction to hurt my dogs. Zoya is already sick as is.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Willfully blind

I close my eyes and I live through it
The memory so fresh
Of something that might never be
The memory so peaceful
Of something beyond expression
The memory so special
Of a power beyond comprehension

You never know what you had
Until you have it no more
You never know what you need
Until you want it no more

Is reality worth this sacrifice?
I finally accept it definitely isn't
I'll burn in the altar
Just to relive
Or remain with my eyes closed
Holding the thought tight
I'd rather be willfully blind
Than give up the memory

Castles in the sky

As much as I want to pretend
As much as I want to hide
As much as I want to prevent
The truth finds its way
I try to walk
I try to hide
And now finally
I lock myself up
Far far away
In a castle in the sky
Because this reality
Is one I cannot have

Knowing locks can be broken
I lock my heart away
And know not what I hope for
I want it to break, I need it not to..

Uncertainly certain

The thought that wakes me up
The hope of the dream that lulls me to sleep
Every fear, every fancy
Every dream, every nightmare,
Every word, every deed
Bottled up and stored
For a tomorrow that might never be
And for a fantasy that'll always be

Even if words fail
And silences extend
The heart wants
What the heart wants
The dreams whose future
Is certain but also uncertain

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Motivation

I was thinking about what makes people successful. As far as I could see, successful people have a certain drive that is just inimitable and in some instances plain scary. Why doesnt everyone have it? How is it that some people are able to motivate themselves and keep moving ahead while some others are not able to? What is the source for that motivation/manic drive? I actually want to research on that topic. It seems really interesting..

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

The day it all began

Yet another year goes by and frankly I don't feel older. My mom told me that she always felt that I know my way around from the day I was born. Perhaps because I was born old, I don't feel the impact of the years. I feel richer though. In terms of experience, in terms of relationships and of course some knowledge about the world in general and people in particular.
I am thankful for life, the universe and everything else and really hope that no matter what happens, I stay true to myself and learn to live life queen size. 😉
This year has been phenomenal. Here's to another good one!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Step down

Often you have to engage with those that are working on bringing you down. You don't realize it then, but the moment you start reacting to those that are not at your level, both of you have to reach a certain level to interact.

Those that are beneath you, ultimately pull you down. You go down fighting not realizing you're an idiot for engaging, not a martyr.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Talent

What defines talent? That's a question that's been driving me crazy the last few days as I try to figure out what are the things that define me.

I always thought I sang well. Critics didn't trouble me in school. Even when I lost a competition, I wasn't too upset. When I went to college, I wanted to audition for a classical music group. I was taken to the room of a girl, one year my senior. There I was, someone from a small town, taught by a teacher who learnt from a government college. When she didn't know my guru, she asked me if I knew a specific Kriti. I answered in the negative and was told I'm not fit to be part of a classical music club as I didn't know something so basic. This is not a movie where I manage to sing and snub the bully. I just stopped trying and walked out. The person who's usually the epitome of confidence felt so pathetic that day.

It's not a tragedy because I found other things to do and keep myself occupied. But how much this incident affected me is evident by the lack of my singing. In hindsight I realized they're all bullies and are not the best judges in the first place. If I'd been committed, I could have continued to do what I wanted to do.

My commitment was definitely questionable then. Now, as a relatively mature adult, my need to get back to things that defined me is making me evaluate a lot of things that happened in the past.

It's high time i go behind things which matter to me and pursue them even if I'm not the best, because, fitting a mold can only happen if someone like you exists. If you're going to define the path, go ahead, break all the molds.

Become a photographer without DSLR and a singer without a fancy guru. One size cannot and will not fit all and at the end of the day, your commitment and interest is all that matters.

I'm reminded of my favorite quote by Calvin Coolidge:

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence
Talent will not- nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with great talent
Genius will not- unrewarded genius is almost a proverb
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Forever

You made me believe in forevers
A forever of evolution
A forever of togetherness
In one form or the other
As friends, as rivals, as companions
Two fates intrinsically linked
For better or for worse

Perhaps another heart grows fonder,
But mine, it just breaks, with this absence
Maybe, ours is just a forever
With memories so beautiful
That over time they're locked away
And dismissed as dreams
Of a delusional soul
Because something so perfect
Could not have existed

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Letting go

The one thing that you desire,
Perhaps much more than the present
And every version of it you can imagine.

The one that dictates every living moment
Defining who you are and what you'll be
Not just today, but for the rest of your life

What do you do when forced to accept
A reality that is unreal and incompatible
With a beautiful fantasy?

When possibilities become road blocks,
When the impossible becomes improbable
Should I let go or should I hold on?

The rejection that tears out a part of you
The loss that humiliates and pushes you down
An endless hole of desperation

I try to claw my way out
Ignoring the scrapes, the numbing pain
Because moving on is all I know
It's all that that makes sense

Identity

What is your identity? Is it your name? Your job? Your family? Your lifestyle? Your friends? Often it is a combination of things that can be defined. But the truth as far as I'm concerned, is that an identity can never be something you can explain easily.

It's usually an idea, an emotion that defines you in a way that you cannot easily write down. It is as indescribable as it can be described. When someone asks me who I am, I can give them my name, but I can't really define who I really am to someone, can I? Even those that i claim to know, surprise and shock me often. I think I hardly know them, but perhaps it is better to say that I've just misread some parts of the multiple that make up a person.

Maybe giving it all up and just limiting interactions with the unknown is easier. As simple as life can seem, it is as complicated. The geek in me is lost when I'm in new situations involving things that can't be rationalized. Perhaps I want to stick to the identity of being a geek and forgetting that I've one of being black widow too.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

The world through his eyes

The tiny grasshopper that greets me
As I laze around in the garden
The song bird pausing for a drink of water
Accepting my presence and flying real close
The snake that slithers around
Minding its job
The naughty cat, the playful dog

I see him in everything
He's shared his world with me
And I marvel in its glory
Hoping someday I get a tiny glimpse
Of him, not just the world through his eyes.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Fresh start

Sometimes, things are not the way you want them to be. You don't even know what exactly is wrong. There are too many moving parts. Then you wish for a reset button like in a video game for life also.
But, life is not and cannot be a video game. You don't get resets. However, if you are really lucky, you do get a fresh start. It's up to you as to how much you choose to erase your memory because the place might change, the lifestyle might change but like a wise man once said, the memories never die.
I think I have these boxes in my head. One for every time I've tried a fresh start. I assume I've thrown the keys away, but something as simple as a small breeze makes my heart miss a beat.
For all the fresh beginnings I talk about, the same stories unfold, time and again and I'm left watching, laughing and just going with the flow.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Castles in the sky

When I started working, I used to think that I could just build castles in the sky and as long as they had a strong foundation, they would not crumble. 
But recently, I have come to wonder that having a dream is just not enough. I need to know how the dream is going to happen. The devil is in the details and sometimes, he is not very forgiving or even interesting at the least.

So here is my confusion - should I build the castle and enjoy it for as long as I can because the act gives me joy and learn to cope when it crumbles? Or, should i sign a deal with the devil and go through the grind, even though it makes me unhappy because I can build something that will last?

Can I truly state that the first thing does not last? Are memories not as important as the stability? After a point, things which are stable become boring and become less important as you are so used to it being around. You start taking it for granted. Given that truth, aren't experiences and memories the only things that last?

I am just wondering if I should build castles in the sky or if I should be focused on getting down to the trenches.. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Emotional support

When times are tough and nothing makes sense in the world, we are very vulnerable and let go of logic. In those instances, we look for emotional support. Sometimes in the most unlikely of places, we find it. 

What happens to those relationships once we are out of the tough times? Some last, because the situation brought people who were anyway suited for each other. Some just die immediately because one person or the other misuses the trust. A few die a slow painful death. We blame our stupidity, but what we cant accept is, this is the reality of life. 

I look back at some of the relationships I have formed over the years and I find ones that have fallen across all the three groups. In hindsight, I can see what drove the bond in the first place, but at that point in time, I did not see it so. A lot of times I have ended up feeling hurt and lost as the relationship died. Now, I like to just think, "Some come for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime."

Lifetime is also a relative term, so maybe, I am just trying to make peace with the fact that everything comes with an expiry date and I should just be thankful that when I wanted it, I got the support and the help I needed. The person I am, a complex tapestry of a million situations and incidents, will not exist without those that come for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Evolution

It hit with me - a unexpected force, so powerful
That the heart was torn out effortlessly
Tiny pieces kept it clinging to the body
Hope, desire, dreams,a beautiful past
Not letting it severe completely
The pain as intense as the passion
Memories of better days battled
With a depressing present
Until finally a gentle wind broke all ties
And set fire to what remained.

I wanted to curse, I wanted to cry
As the fire consumed everything
and the ashes were all that was left
I embraced my mortality
And moved on to a different realm..

Before I could rest, I was pulled back
My maker watching over the fledgling
Taking shape from the very ashes

I thought I was a bird
But my rebirth reminded me
I'm a Phoenix
I'll rise again and again
Because I evolve, I survive, I never give up
I just move on..

Monday, May 09, 2016

Solitude

Solitude was never my friend
It always brought forth the monsters
Hiding in the darkest depths of my soul
Beauty, distorted beyond recognition
Dreams, turning right before me to nightmares
They become my usual companions

As the storm clouds gather,
I hide, expecting the gloom to be a precursor..
The clouds pour their hearts out
They seem to call out to me
I run out to embrace my fears
Solitude becomes my best friend
Blessing me with a calm I never knew

Flowing river

I'm standing in the banks of a beautiful river. Serene would be the right word here. A zillion birds fly around and there's such an abundance of life. I'm a stranger to the region. I'm just passing by. A nomad who's left behind few things and is moving forward. The root less state helps in connecting with the world in general, because you've nowhere to compare with. Everything is as of this instant. People have told me time and again that everything is peaceful in nature.

But the alert ears of the deer and the constant watchfulness of a deceptively lazy Buffalo tell me otherwise. Survival is a battle. Everywhere. It just happens in different forms.

After a few minutes, I feel the land beneath my feet slip. I fall into the water and realize too late that I cannot swim. What do I do now? Trust my instinct and float or let go and drown? Will struggling too much actually kill me? Will I even be able to think so much when it happens?
I hope that when the land beneath my feet disappears, I've enough warning.

Sunday, May 08, 2016

A tribute

We recently decorated our car with few Lord of the rings stickers. Now, while people have watched the movie, not a lot have read the book and there are a few beautiful lines by Tolkien that I loved when I read them the first time. As I remember the ideal today, a tribute to Aragorn in my blog

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

What the heart wants

Think of something that took you years to build. You didn't even know you had dreamt of it until it finally took shape. In a way that was far beyond your wildest dreams. You were surprised that there was so much beyond your realm of imagination. You were delighted, flying without wings.

Then you keep building on top of it. You try to create something more. But here's the thing. You start missing all that's familiar. Things which the earlier you was comfortable with. Even though there is some kind of perfection in life, you miss the imperfections. Then you wonder what was it you had actually wanted.

Can something better actually not be as important as something good? Can you long for something that is theoretically worse?
The heart wants what the heart wants. So is it perhaps true that some dreams are better off in a realm of impossibility even if they are possible?

Change

I hate you as much as I love you
A reaction I'm unable to get
As much as I want to embrace
I want to push away
As much as I want to experience
I want to run away from

You're the only supposed constant
Which pushes me to extremes
I never thought I could go to..
Which makes me look at the mirror
And not recognize the stranger
That's smiling at me..
Which gets me out of bed every single day
All ready to chase a goal,
I know is insane in the first place.
Change, my dear friend
I fear you as much as I hold you dear.

Bubbles

We like to live in beautiful bubbles. Built by our really imaginative minds that prefer to twist reality into a way and form a perception that works better for us. Sometimes, things happen to burst the bubble and you are out of the sterile world you carefully crafted.

You still have some traces of what you initially thought you had, but not in the way you thought you had them. Building the bubble back is not going to be easy. Neither is accepting the reality. How do you cope?

Accepting that you lived in a reality infused fantasy is a funny admission. Is that what helped us evolve? The ability to see how things could be and create that atmosphere even if only in our heads? That way we are still watchful but have the ability to continue to dream and delude ourselves and not give up on life? I dunno.

Friday, May 06, 2016

Reality

We sit right next to each other
Two strangers tied together
By a destiny
With a strange sense of humor

I wish you could see yourself
Through my eyes
Your reality so much better
Than the fantasy you live in

My fantasy so far
From both realities.

Fantasy

I wonder when it happened
Or how for that matter
From when we no longer needed words
A simple gesture conveying things
That elaborate sentences cannot
I don't know any more
Where I end and you begin.

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Faith

This is a very difficult thing. I mean I've been trying for years to have faith in life, in love, in justice and it's not been easy.
I've had great opportunities and beautiful experiences but sometimes my lack of faith has left me grasping at straws.
Is it possible that some people have inherently more faith than the rest? Maybe they've had good experiences over the years which has helped them cement it. Maybe they've a strong belief system that ensures they have the faith. I don't know.
Today, I'm trying to have a little faith and take one small step at a time. Will this faith move mountains? Definitely not. But it will hopefully change my life, maybe for the better and that, is more important than anything else.

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

Walk with me

Walk with me
Even though miles seperate us
For our destinations are similar

How we approach the land 
What we think of life - varies
but our love for the land
and the experiences - unites us
Walk with me

Because I carry you in my heart
every single day
You already do
Walk with me

I just see
Two individuals
Seperated by destiny,
United by a passion
That can potentially change
Life as we have always known it

Love is too lofty an emotion
Companionship - practical
Walk with me

Sunday, May 01, 2016

Few hours in a day

May first is a strange day for me. It lasts only for a few hours. Which time zone do I consider? Everything is relative in a way so I did get my twenty four hours, but I didn't consider it so. It was Saturday when I left. It should be Sunday morning but it is Sunday night. :)

Where did my day go? I had a very long April 16th so perhaps it is balancing out. In those few hours, I want to put up a post.

On a positive note, my phone took pity on me and booted. I managed to save a lot of pics. Life is beautiful