Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Adversity

Today, I received my first rejection letter. As an author. A big publishing house rejected my manuscript. I never even wrote for a long time out of fear as to how I would be rejected. What if I am not good enough to have public validation of my writing? Am I OK living with that? I mean, this is what I have wanted to be since I was a kid. "What do you want to do in life?" Ask 5 year old Harini or the 25 year old and her answer would have been writer. What if it is one of those things I want, but am not good enough for? What if someone tells me, sorry we cannot actually publish you? You are good, but not good enough?

I always thought of myself like this brilliant artist whose work would be appreciated because it was quite unique. Reality is different. Isnt it now? I think I have been able to handle this rejection quite well today ( I havent cried, yet) because of a few hard life truths I have come to accept. 

I feel relief. I feel joy at having attempted. I don't know if I am going to be able to keep trying, I mean, I suck at handling failure, but I am becoming way better. I am continuing to write my second book, because someday, something will click somewhere. 

My silence in the blog has been because of how busy I have been, trying to come to terms with who I am. I am not ashamed of who I was, but I think I can be someone better. I feel like a frog that has been put into a boiling water, that is jumping out in an attempt to save its life. Wake up calls come in different ways and mine, were not pleasant. They had a few very bitter, hard truths that only one person was able to tell me. That took me a lot of time to accept. Time in which I lost something precious, I never ought to have. My only regret in life. That is a biggie to accept. Wooo! I have not understood regrets till  date. (A blog about it later)

I like to think I am perfect, but that is not the truth. I am a work in progress. If that was my best work, where is the fun in that? I really cant be perfect, because perfection is a moving target. Not a fixed one. I am going to keep trying. At least, attempting to try. 

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in the next decade. But someday, I will get published. Until then, I will keep writing. I cant let go of my identity because someone else felt that was not me. I am opening myself to criticism and change. I am truly welcoming and hoping that it is there to stay. 

Dedicated to the person that woke me up. From a self imposed slumber. I am sorry. (Possibly my dramatic proclamation that I faced failure)

2 comments:

Sun Ray said...

Hey. Owner of Harini airways & maybe Audrey, journey is the fun part.. I can't entirely understand what it is to send a manuscript to a writer.. to have something interesting to say, skill to write, & guts to send to people, but you are way past many people, Harini.

Theodore Roosevelt has something for you..

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Ok.. it should have been woman, but you get the point.. enjoy the ride! :)



Harini Padmanabhan said...

Hey, glad to see you are back. 😎 Love the quote. Thank you for it.