Thursday, January 26, 2017

Falling in love - with myself

I have no shame in admitting this. I am trying to fall in love with myself. I am not talking about narcissism here. I am talking about real, deep love or as much of it as I can muster.

I am talking about being able to see the flaws very clearly - the blemishes, the scars, the laziness, the extra layers of fat, the lost love, the anger, the drama, the flakes of dandruff that decorate the little black dress, the off key singing, the love for the forbidden - self imposed, the hypocrisy - everything and still being able to accept and love myself. 

Accepting myself and constantly striving to become someone better. I feel that the novels and the movies have told me forever, that I need to do it, when I meet that one person, who will change my life forever. That is too much expectation on one single individual when there are at least a dozen or more, who influence my life. (The number could be even higher if I have to be honest.)

But, why do we never talk about the one person who is there in our own versions of forever? What about the person who is with me, everyday of my life? The only person who is with me from when I was born till when I'll die? ME!!

If I can't know, love and care for myself, if I can't try to become better, if I cannot get rid of the flaws that annoy me everyday, for my own self, how will I ever do it? How can i do it for anyone else? Rather, why should I? 

To a large extent, I have lived life on my own terms. Or, so I like to think. I know not about the shackles I have imposed on myself because of some notions of right and wrong I harbor. Shackles that are relatively unnoticed for now. 

Shackles, I will find more about when I get to know myself better. Intimately, without being scared of what I might uncover. Even if it scares me, analyze and accept myself, and just really truly understand what makes me tick.

Until I get to know myself well, I don't think I can really pretend to be someone else. I wrote a novella in the holidays and I realized that I created a portrait of who I want to be in that. I am going to keep building that out. I am after all a work in progress and I am the artist as well as the critic. :) I have a lifetime to perfect the art. What is the fun if I was born perfect?!

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