Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Whose house is it I wonder

I was walking with my colleague near office and I saw these houses, built right next to a water body. They looked so pretty (even without the animation) and I really was spell bound. Who lives there? Do they have tea on the porch? Is it difficult to manage the balconies, the windows? Do they sometimes find dead fishes in their porches? That some bird of prey left behind? Or could there be fishes that jumped out of water and fell? 
Do they know their neighbors? How long have they lived in that house? Do they live close to work? I just wonder and then let it be. What's the point? 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

A Cambodian Sunset

This, was in Cambodia.. An unknown temple in the middle of nowhere. It was quite forsaken, not really sought after like Angkor Wat or Ta Prohm. But there, in the place i least expected, I saw this beautiful sight and I had to capture it. To remember it today with a fond smile.

Another unforgettable sunset. Sunsets remind me that somethings are but a cycle. 

What seems like an end,
is but a beginning
A beginning that would lead,
to an inevitable end..

Is it the ride that I should look out for?
Is it the beginning, that is meant to be sought?
Is it the end thats meant to be forgotten?

What do i do, but watch sunsets,
and go to bed, leaving it to science
and in a way to hope, 
to ensure i have a sunrise to wake up to,
Until one day, I wouldn't. 

Changes

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the past few months. Some i have wanted, some i didn't expect, but all i think I have made peace with. (Until the next nightmare that is). 

One major change, has been my relationship with alcohol. I think i have always had this snooty outlook about drinking. Probably driven by my childhood views on the subject. Only irresponsible men drink and misbehave. Others really have things to do. Social drinking was not really prevalent in the circles I moved in then. 

When I went to Pilani, i saw some of the brilliant minds I knew then go to ruin thanks to their love for the bottle. When I started working, drinking was still expensive and whatever I tried, never did hit me. So i stayed away from alcohol and I did not have any alcohol in the parties at home.

The long rant - to announce that i have actually started having wine! I am not consuming much. All the wine i have had would probably be half a bottle. But from zero, this is infinite. My next baby step is this wonder called Anthon Berg - Dark chocolate with liquid centers filled with alcohol. I have one in 4-5 days, but I savor the dark chocolate quite a bit.

Am i going down a path of no return? Or is this just a tiny new chapter in the scheme of things? I don't know. Perhaps, I am going to write poetry about a bottle of wine someday soon. Until then.. Let me remove the snooty look from my face. 

Beauty



I am fascinated by sunsets or sunrises. Especially if it is near a body of water. I started this photo blog I never updated much, but this evening as i was staring at this beautiful sight, I paused my jog (or fast walk or duck strut) to take this picture and I realized, that some frames are meant to be revisited. :) 

So today, i will try to edit more pictures and post them here and start organizing my blog better.

The girl in red



There she stands, beautifully dressed..

In the fancy red dress,

the shoulders hidden under an overcoat..

Who does she cover it from?

Eyes always watch a woman who is alone..

Questioning her right to exist, by herself.




Her succulent pink lips and kohl outlined eyes stand out!

She fights not for attention,

Secretly wanting and despising it..

It does seek her out,

Unwilling to be fooled, by her shield of solitude.




She waits, patiently

A strained smile, painted on her face

Her eyes constantly checking, the chosen device of torture..

A watched phone, never does ring,

the sought message, never will arrive.




Know I do that look,

Know I do that emotion.

Longing, expectation

All just a bubble of hot air

My lesson after years..




A very pretty balloon, as short lived as the words..

Words, sweet nothings, whispered

Secretly into a ear dying to listen to it..

Actions that will never be, that never where..




Meanings made, where none to be found

Connections made, of random, meaningless confessions..

Lines drawn between non existent dots..

Why do we seek it so?

This companionship, that is but a mirage?

This emotion, that just slows us down?




We are all prisoners, one way or the other,

Of a future that will never be

and a past that was mostly imagined..




The present that beckons, lays unnoticed

We just run backwards, looking at what was,

ignoring what is,

never understanding, what can be..

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Never ending marathon

I run from post to pole,
Not stopping, even for a second..
"A whirl wind","So determined",
"Such ambition","So ruthless",
The words just fall off me,
Like raindrops falling from a leaf,
on an expensive raincoat.
Affecting, but not really impactful..
I've other demons lurking,
Demons that arose from Angels..

I run, I run and run
Learning to breathe,
Focused on everything else
The world is a blur,
My pain is inevitable..

A writer said, that suffering is optional..
I try to not suffer, but just numb the pain
I run
I run
I run

Pause I have to, to catch my breath..
That's when you creep in, always!
Slowly, pecking away at my defences,
Always so confident as you strut into my thoughts.

The love that never will be,
The phone that will never ring,
The calls that will go unpicked,
The email, that will never be read,
The days, that will never be..

Regret I cannot, suppress I really cannot..
Control perhaps I can,
Build a box around you,
Those precious moments that won't repeat
Put it under a lock, throw away the key,
Knowing fully well, the lock is but a mirage..

My elusive love, the intensity never does fade
The tears, never really disappear..
They just hide, for you hate histrionics.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Lady in blue

You hold your saree tight,
Bluish green with shades of white..
Rather, it used to be a white..
Now, it is that nameless color, that white becomes
After countless washes..

I sit inside an insulated vehicle,
A book and music to keep me company.
Still, I keep looking at you,
The accidental glimpse, not enough..

Who are you? How do you entertain yourself?
You stand holding that bag tightly..
Perhaps it contains something priceless..
Maybe, it's all your possessions
Or maybe, it's a delivery you ought to make..

You don't let your saree or your hair fly in the wind..
Everything is in control
There's still, a restlessness about you.
You bend your head, unwilling to look the world in the eye.
Or perhaps you already do, in your own way!

You look at me then, possibly aware of my scrutiny..
I see no smile, I see no defiance, no emotion!

We're both alone, in our own cocoons,
The differences, i feel just skin deep
I chide myself.. not the right thing to say..
Privilege has a strange way of thinking it's not.
This I hope is camaraderie and not callousness.

Our paths might never cross again,
But they don't really have to,
For our battles are as similar as they are extraordinarily different.

Good luck, lady in blue, farewell!

Monday, February 20, 2017

As good as it gets

If this is as good as it is going to get,
It is still not good enough for me..
If good ain't enough, then what can ever be?
If nothing can ever be, then perhaps, nothing is all is.

Permanence and transience, both attract and repel me,
Sometimes equally so, sometimes, one more than the other..
"In a long enough time frame, even permanence, is transient!"
Thus argues logic..
"But in what there is, however short, both coexist!"
Retorts magic..

I see both sides, I see none.
I fly, I crawl, I just stand.
Lost and alone,
Happy and hopeful..

Perhaps it's priming I need
To convince myself
To hold on and to let go..

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Patterns

The lines are drawn
In stone and in water
The lines so beautifully interconnected
And so far apart in places..

Which one do I trace,I wonder
Where will it lead me?

I remember those lines I'd drawn
Clean, symmetrical ones
With well defined start and end points
Straight lines, without any diversion.

I knew not then, what I know now..
Even if I had, Maybe,
I'd have drawn them over and over again,
An optimist then, hoping that hoping was enough.

Am I a realist or a pessimist?
Is reality pessimistic?
Or, Am i just seeing curved lines,
For what they are, finally?

Perhaps a downward spiral,
Perhaps a stairway to heaven..
I knew not what it was
And I just decide to stand and watch,
Perhaps unknowingly inching down a path,
That's just slower..

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Accidental love

I walked by you the first time..
My senses were fully occupied elsewhere
I noticed you not - 
You were inconsequential as of that instant.

I walked all around,
Searching for that one thing,
that could compliment me
Make me look gorgeous,
for a dinner that would never be.

The unswiped card in a coach bag,
longed to be used!
Has not emotions virtual money...
Lie I will not, At least to myself. 
I longed to use the black and gold card,
nestled happily, confident of its importance to me.
Again, emotions to the emotionless
Objects or people, 
The effort is but futile.

It was me all along,
Hoping that the magical swipe
will open the gateway to eternal happiness!

Reluctant to leave without the prize,
I sought a consolation...
"Brand new design" - the young girl chirped,
The hope in her eyes, mirroring the one in my heart
For all that could be.
The scales, seemingly different,
But the emotion - just the same..
Perhaps, that made me pause.

I saw you then.
Completely assymetrical
Did you want to be short or long?
How did that length come to be?
How was there no symmetry between both sides?
Still, there was something about you
Knowing not, what it was,
I took you home.

I look at you now, 
I remember not what I wanted then, 
I know not what I want now..
But, I marvel at your beauty
and as you adorn me, 
I sit back, staring at the stars with a glass of wine,
Accidental love for a confused dress

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Lets meet

Lets meet then
Not in the place thats here and now,
But in the world, caught between the worlds..

The place, a transient world, hidden yet clear,
between the one filled with dreams
and the one that I wake up to everyday.

Wise men claim, that one is but the other,
But know I do, the distinction.. far too well.

At least for me
At least as of this instant
If time were absent, perhaps they would merge
Or perhaps not..

I see it very clearly - the image so pretty
What i could be!
Maybe but a faraway fantasy..
What could have been,
Perhaps would never be

The optimist in me persists,
not knowing that a one legged woman,
can win not a short sprint.
Perhaps a marathon, for the disabled

Lets meet then
Maybe someday
Maybe here
Maybe nowhere
A nowhere,equally real and magical

You will be me
and I was you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Memories

Memories are very strange. You dont remember the things you think you will never forget. Then you remember things in excruciating detail when you least expect to. I was listening to Telugu songs today after ages. I used to love watching Telugu movies when in college, but kind of lost touch after that. Today, when I sat listening, I could recall the lyrics of songs I had not heard in close to 8-9 years. I wonder what else is hiding inside that head of mine, and when it will show up. :) 

Monday, February 13, 2017

Adrift

I have not a home
I've let myself free from the last one.
I float, watching the tiny dots below,
Longing for a place to belong..

I belong nowhere,
I belong to no one
I float, aimless,
What help were the directions anyway? 
They served but to distract.

I lounge, watching the lives unfold
Predicting, for after all, 
There are only hamster wheels
Of different sizes
We run, we chase, knowing not what.
The chase, a painful constant. 

I realize then, it could be about loss,
It could also be about spreading wings..
Losing self imposed chains,
To become one with the universe. 

I belong everywhere,
I belong to everyone
For you are as similar to me as you are different
You are mine in a way everyone is.
In the same way, I'm yours. 

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Solitude

When do we discover ourselves,
If not in solitude?
Solitude, where we are but
with our thoughts.
Thoughts that stem from deep within
and come forth to the surface,
unwilling to stay where they were?

The same thoughts that shape us,
Unwittingly, always, shape our company
and if uncomfortable in solitude, how can there be comfort in company?

You have eternity to a butterfly's days,
to flirt with a zillion new thoughts. 

To go down those unknown paths, scary and dark, beautiful and light
To try those preposterous things we fancy, 
To tire ourselves out by facing our faces when we step up to embrace,
the beauty that is solitude

We don't have forever
But we do have what we do. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Shame and vulnerability

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

I was listening to this great talk this morning. This talks about vulnerability and how numbing emotions is not actually a good thing. You cant just numb the bad stuff, you also end up numbing the good ones in the process. That line, really struck a chord with me. The idea rather. As often, everyone tries to come up with a coping mechanism. But unless you experience the bad stuff, you lose the ability to experience the good stuff as well. Is that not true?

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Small victories

I ran. And walked. And then ran again. I did 1.7 miles today. It helped me focus. It got my head off things I shouldn't have been thinking about in the first place. I didn't have a device. I had nothing else to keep me company except the world around and it didn't matter. Maybe, I'm going to run.
I formulated a response to a question someone asked me. A response I could think through without the noise. A response, I liked. Thank you life, for this experience.

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Symbols

Symbols.. to hold me back
And to set me free
A used sun glass, 
Perhaps the world through your eyes..
But, no Oracle ain't I? 
A bad statistician at best
With broken predictions. 

A waterfall,
A lake,
An empty road,
A traffic jam,
A half eaten bagel,
An aisle seat,
A painting,
A random photograph,
A wireless headphone..
Multiple delusions envelop me

I try not to fight,
I just embrace them
And in turn myself
And celebrate the delusion-
Rather than mourn my imagination

Surprises come when you least expect
Same surprises that disappear, 
when you most want them..
Perhaps to remind me,
I just need myself. 

Short term memory loss

I was watching Finding Dory yesterday. It is a brilliant movie and I am glad I finally had a chance to watch it. Since I think everything in the world is about me, I could identify with Dory. How she kept forgetting and still survived, doing things her way.

I get a lot of flak, for changing my mind, doing things without thinking because I had a feeling about it and for just being me. The scene where Marlin confronts Dory is a scene that has played quite often in our life. 

Since I am a work in progress I know that things about me are going to change. But if you ask me to change my impulsive nature, I am probably going to refuse. It has helped me in more ways than one. It has given me more joy than sorrow. And the sorrow is because I wonder if I should regret something's absence. 

So, like Dory, I am going to embrace my short term memory loss. I mean, I have a brilliant memory, I can recount details about things I want to remember. But being impulsive also means that there have to be things I forget, else I would probably not be impulsive again. :) So, I have short term memory loss. I have forgotten things I don't want to remember. If that is going to  be my blessing and my curse, then so be it. I am just making peace. I am not trying to justify it or defend it. :)

Monday, February 06, 2017

The battle of pins

I imagine a battle ground,
Dramatic, with flags flying and warriors all set
To win their war.
White steeds so pure, you can't help but gape,
Battle scarred veterans, all set to face another day!
Ready to face death, ready to sacrifice for victory..

They expect blows, they expect spears and arrows. 
But they are hit by a rain of pins.
Unprepared they fall to the tiniest detail.

In the beautiful image in my head, I see the million pins
Of all that could have been
All that would never be
And all that was..

I prepare for them too, wearing an impenetrable shield
Or so I like to think..

Running

Today, I went running with my best friend. We have known each other for a little over 13 years now and I would not be wrong in stating that he has helped me stay sane through the crazy times I have had to experience in life. I have been talking about running, but have never actually really run, except for this 5k I did in October (again with him and my other friend). So I finally got around to running today. Just like that because I was tired of sitting and moping. Because I had jumped out of the sky and I wanted to take the leap of faith, also metaphorically, have faith in myself and my ability to move forward.

I still did not run much, just walked and ran alternately, but I have finally started. Another item in the list of things I should have done and finally did.

Running is painful. You have to keep moving. I cannot do that. I like to talk than move. It is much easier that way. Still, thanks to not wanting to spoil his run, I actually did the 4.5 miles. It ached in places I did not even know I had. I was initially trying to run like him. Then, I realized, I could not do that, because frankly, he has more experience running than I do. So I tried running like me and I did this tiny elevation at my pace. It was at the end of our run though. 

That, was truly a great feeling. I dont know if I am going to continue doing this. If this should be in my 12 week year. The list of things I will set as goals for myself outside of work. Perhaps, be able to run 5km in 45 min. It is not a great earth shattering goal, but I am starting with that. I will now figure out a way to break it into parts and actually implement it. 

Putting it down in a public forum, helps me because usually I try not to shame myself once I have said that I will do something. I do some version of it, or I come up with a really nice explanation that I can live with as to why I did not do it. :) 

When I was thrown out of a plane

I realized I could fly. I could not breathe for a few seconds. I am afraid of heights. I am very nauseous and dizzy. The first thing we did when we jumped out, we did a somersault. A beautiful maneuver to watch but think of it like someone trying to flip you inside out. I trusted a complete stranger to bring me back to land and he did!

The clouds were beautiful. It is different when you watch it from inside an airplane and when you watch it without a window. Intimately going through the clouds, you feel the cold, you feel the air and you feel alive. Ten minutes of intensely being alive. I watched the landscape. I felt jealous of the birds. What a view, every single day. Will it become boring if they see it everyday? Or will they overcome fear if they do it everyday? Could birds be scared of heights? How do my instructors do it everyday? Could I actually do that myself? Become an instructor? Everything seems tiny. The birds eye view is scary because it reminds me of how much is there and how much is not. The details have a way of disappearing when you are overwhelmed by them. Everything looks quite beautiful because you know you are not going to probably experience it again. 

My constant feeling was one of not being able to breathe because of my altitude sickness. But I was so busy enjoying the view, that I overcame my fear. Didn't even realize I was scared. We did random shapes in the sky. I fell in love with my instructor. :) 

I had watched people jump and wanted to do it. Like, it was my dream for the last six months. Not the one I kept thinking or talking about. But the one that was in my head. The problem with things in your head, if you do not execute on them, you become all talk and you lose trust in yourself. Your ability to do the things that matter to you. Jumping out of an aeroplane started with a simple I do. With a simple google search. I have to take that very first step. As simple as it might seem or as difficult as it might be. 

Jumping out of the sky, reminded me, I know not how to quit and I will go and start doing things instead of only talking about them. 

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Letting go

I'm getting ready to jump out of a plane now. I've fantasized sky diving for the longest time, but never gotten around to doing it. Now, I'm going to. I'm waiting for my instructor and listening to music. If these are the last moments of my life, I'm wondering if I should say something witty, something poignant, my last few words. Given my control freak side, I'm surprised I'm not freaking out or scared.

Funnily, nothing comes to my mind. I think I have opened my heart and mind so there is nothing left unsaid. I truly don't think these are my last words because I believe my life has just begun and by letting go of all control, I'm leaving it to him to lead me. But if these are, then my last few words are of gratitude. For a life I've experienced. 

My dear Lord, I trust you with my life. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for all the surprises, thank you for all the love, the success, the heartache, the loss. Thank you for everything. I can't tell you how much I'm grateful. Thank you for Jasmine, who is sitting next to me and chasing her tail now. I feel your presence everywhere and I believe in your plan for me. Symbolically and literally, I'm taking the leap, trusting you to find and hold me, or grant me the strength to hold myself. 

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Convolutions

What convoluted worlds we build
Every single day..
Seeking to simplify,
Seeking to conquer,
Seeking to succeed

We pause to untangle
Maybe succeed,
Maybe don't. 

I watch the convolutions
And go ahead to create a few more
It just looks prettier that way..
Damn the consequences

Friday, February 03, 2017

The breakfast you missed

The jam is yummy,
strawberry, your favorite
I can see you lick your lips as you spread it thin,
Strawberry & Cream cheese,
On a half bagel

No bagel fan,
I toast my bread and watch the butter and jam mix

The Madeleine will satisfy,
even a perfectionist like you
Soft, melting in my mouth
I can see your smile
as you close your eyes and munch.

The hot chocolate slides down my throat
waking me up
to the reality
of a lone breakfast.
Delicious, filling and meant to be!

I savor.
I thank.

To the unpicked nail polish

This is an ode
An ode written on a starry Thursday night
As I watch the stars play hide and seek..
With the dark clouds. 

You see the clouds, I see the stars
And we play our games
Hiding to seek,
Seeking to hide..

In those silent seconds as the clouds waft,
You watch my nails
A whimsical look, in your face
Handsome, in the light and the dark..

The clouds are back, but I look at the stars
Then imagine the coat of polish,
The color you would have picked.
The color I'll wear for you to admire
Probably, never

The clouds distract me
And I pen down this ode
To the polish you never gave me..
To the unpicked nail polish,
Perhaps, hidden in the corner of a grocery store
Maybe, sitting in the light, of a beauty aisle
Frivolous, yet poignant
Equally so

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Harini Airways

I have a very interesting relationship with Uber drivers. I mean, I have met some of the most interesting characters when I Uber. I love talking to people and figuring out what is happening, so it is probably why I experience what I do. I learn so much, so I am not complaining and of course, the attention is lovely, that goes without saying.

My friends take great pleasure in making fun of me for the driver who proposed, the one who tried to get me married to his friend and even the one who spoke to me about moving to India. Today, I met another interesting driver. The conversation started off about the weather and then, he got talking to me about God. 

He spoke about being a vegetarian before this when he found out I was one too and then said, "You should have powers" 

I was a little taken aback. "What powers?"
"Can you see things? Imagine things?" 
I was like, "Yeah. I can write things". 

Then he said, "See you have powers because you have not harmed animals from a very young age. You can do anything. You can even fly. My dad can fly."

I didnt know how to react. I didnt want to laugh, because this was his version of reality and who am I to judge him for it? Also, honestly, I liked the idea of flying. I mean, I can go anywhere, see anything. Who wouldnt want that?

He continued, not waiting for my reaction. "My dad once flew our car above the road and prevented an accident." So, a life changing experience for him and he thanks his dad for it. I can see that totally. 

Anyway, he told me he was honored to meet me when he dropped me off and went his way. It was a great way to start my day. A few months ago, I would have mocked him for being ridiculous. But recently, I have come to accept that people need their delusions/a different version of reality to sustain themselves. Life is as easy as it is hard and I am in a way thankful that they let me into their reality. 

I am now thinking of Harini Airways. Visualizing myself flying around, saving the world. At least my world, from myself. 

A cynical romantic

What am I, but an intruder?
A peeping Tom, living vicariously
watching the beautiful scene unfold..
Moments of intimacy and joy
so obvious
so unattainable
I see not the faces, the sun has not risen as yet
In my dream, I continue to watch spellbound
Is this even possible?
Is this even real?

I feel the magic in the air..
Too scared am I, to pinch myself
For then, reality would come walking right in
and as much as I love it, I want it not.

Then I see the light
The face, so similar to mine,
Yet so different
Did I look into a crystal ball?
Did I look into the realm of the unfulfilled?

I know not.

I try to decipher the feeling in my gut.
Is it regret?
Is it joy at the glimpse?
Is it loss?
I just have unanswered questions
and I continue to look
long after the vision fades away..
Longing.